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11:39 am - Sun 7/28/02 Just finished logging all my most recent receipts into my checkbook. Once again, the news doesn't appear to be good; By my accounting, after I pay rent on the first, I'll have $18.50 left in my account. And I have two credit card bills that are due on the 5th (And of course, there's the little matter of eating, which I've kinda gotten used to at this point). (I just got paid Friday, which means my next payday will be on the 9th.) I just don't understand what's happening here; At any given time, there's a huge discrepancy between what I think I have in my account and what the bank thinks I have (For laughs, I just called the bank, and sure enough, while I think I currently have $538 and change in my account, the bank lists my "available balance" as being over $1100). I'd understand if it was just the difference of an outstanding check or two, but hundreds of dollars? And here's where I admit to an embarrassing level of ignorance; I've never "balanced my checkbook", and just realized it apparently involves more than just notating your checks, deposits, and atm withdrawals (You have to "balance" it against something, namely, what the bank says you have. DUH...!). _______________________________________ Just got off the phone with Cary, to ask about this "money stuff" (I'm hoping I'm not going to start trying his patience with all this "Help me become an adult" shit, but he seemed cool). He's going to help me set up Quicken at some point, and is willing to "float me a loan", if I need one to not fall behind on my credit card payments, but in the meantime, I may have to--horror of horrors!--try to help myself, by going back over my last bank statement, comparing it to my checkbook, and seeing what's what. Cause obviously, something's not right somewhere (My hope? That somewhere along the line, I wrote down a rent payment twice in my checkbook, though that doesn't seem very likely). I'm also thinking about doing a "balance transfer" of two of my credit cards onto my Discover card. They've got a special low interest rate on balance transfers, which would be cool, and I think it would be good for me to simplify things down to one credit card bill a month for awhile. But anyway... My most recent perusal of Backstage West didn't have the desired effect (Which would be to make me feel like I'm being "Mr Proactive Actor Guy"). Instead, it left me feeling pretty discouraged, on a couple different fronts. It was their "Welcome to LA" issue, kind of a primer on the city and the acting scene (I know--I've been here almost a year and a half now--but I still feel like I'm just not making it like I wish I were). They had a breakdown of the various areas of LA, and what the "average" rentals were. As things stand, I wouldn't be able to afford a one-bedroom apartment anywhere in LA, and the average for "singles"--what I've got now--is higher than what I'm paying in every area they described. I found that...discouraging. Another thing I found "discouraging" was a general consensus as to how important acting classes are; To keep you "sharp", to make connections, and maybe most importantly, to help you feel like you're an actor and to keep your spirits up, even if you don't happen to be working "at the moment". And still more discouragement came with a reminder that "if you don't have an agent or a manager, you're not even seeing most of what's available for actors out here" (And how do you get an agent? By having done something they've seen, mostly. And how do you get work that someone can then see? By having an agent, for the most part). I could go on--and trust me, there's more where this came from--but there's really not much point; All I can do is what I can do (And that said, checking Backstage once a week and sending out headshots from that seems like a good thing, and a pat on the back for me for doing that each of the last couple weeks, but it just doesn't seem like enough somehow). I have to visualize "opportunity". I have to see the positive future ahead of me. It's okay that this feels a little "daunting" (Okay...MASSIVELY "daunting"), but stopping is not an option. I am going to figure this shit out...
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