3:05 PM - Mon 4.17.17
Less Fun Than A Trip To The Dentist

Well, I thought the big news of the day was going to be going to back to the Dentist to get a permanent crown put on, and get my bottom row of teeth cosmetically on-point.

(The only other thing on today's schedule was Zumba - Almost always fun, but never really "newsworthy".)

So I thought I'd be reporting on how my new crown felt, and more importantly, how good I felt about my nice new bottom teeth.

But while I did just get back from the Dentist, the permanent crown didn't fit properly, so that's been put off for (at least) another week.

And I'd misunderstood where we were at regarding the bottom teeth - I thought they were on the agenda. But while they might have been on my agenda, they were not on the Dentist's (The "complicated" situation I'd previously described means, in part, that one tooth could basically die if she cuts it down as much as would be needed for a veneer).

So we discussed the possibilities, and what I was hoping for aesthetically (which I think boiled down to "better than what I've got while still looking natural"). Then she had an impression taken, and we'll figure out what's what next time (If it involves "tweaking" some things, we'll probably do it right then, and if it's more involved, schedule another appointment).

So at this juncture, my bottom teeth continue to be "jacked", as the kids say.

When I realized the two big things I thought were going to be accomplished at the Dentist weren't gonna happen today, I was pretty disappointed.

But turned out the day had a way bigger disappointment in store for me...

While at the Dentist (There were still the issues of putting the temporary crown back in, and repairing some old fillings), during a lull in the action, I checked my email.

And there was one from my theatrical agency (Clear Talent), with the subject heading "Changes".

If you're reading this after having read my cryptic Facebook post, or just falling asleep from reading about my adventures in dentistry, I won't try to keep you in suspense any longer - My theatrical agency is dropping me as a client.

(I'm thinking I should have held off on writing this, because I'm still really churned-up emotionally, and am having a hard time putting my thoughts together. But I've already started, so might as well "see it through"...)

There's a weird feeling of "validation" in this news - I've been worrying for quite some time over my declining fortunes as an actor, and here comes my
theatrical agent to say "Yeah, we're cutting you loose, because you, Sir, are going nowhere!" - but the perverse satisfaction of saying "See! I told you so!" aside, it still feels like a gut-punch.

It was weird, getting this shitty news, then having to get right back in the dentists chair for some more discomfort - But what was I going to do? Cry? Tell these virtual strangers all about what had just happened to me? Just walk out mid-procedure?

It feels devastating, and being me, it's hard for my mind not to go into a death-spiral of awfulness...but if I allow myself to be "devastated", I'm not gonna be able to function, and I have to continue to function (Well I don't "have to" continue to function - I could kill myself - but you know what I mean).

I still have a commercial agent. I still have a manager. I still have a day job.

And hopefully, in the not-too-distant future, I will have a theatrical agent who can do me better than Clear Talent.

Cause while this most definitely feeds into my insecurity and doubts about myself - And clearly, I bear some responsibility for what's happened here (Though it's hard to put my finger on "how", so maybe it's not too clear) - I feel entirely justified in saying "This isn't just my failure".

But that doesn't matter - one of the things that sucks here is that when you get dropped by your agent, you're the only one who's really out anything - I don't have a theatrical agent now, while they get to stab me in the heart, then just roll merrily along (I was initially a little surprised that they were dropping me while Shameless is, I'm assuming, still a thing - It's not a big payday for them, but it's still a payday - but then I thought how bad it would look if they waited till Shameless was over, then dropped me. As a small-to-mid-level agency, I don't think that's a story you'd want circulating among actors).

I guess that's it for now - Though trust me, there will certainly be more to come...

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