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12:50 pm - Sun 2/03/02
The car, the bike---Was some cosmic law passed that says I'm not supposed to use vehicles with wheels?
In semi-interesting news...

When I went in to work yesterday, I found out there had been some excitement earlier that morning; Hector, the bitter cafe worker I mentioned in a previous entry, walked off the job.

I don't know what the precipitating incident was, but I guess he'd had enough.

Now, Hector just recently filed for bankruptcy, so I find myself wondering how someone in his state CAN just walk off a job, but I guess I'll never know. But right after that thought, my very NEXT thought was "Oh crap! That might mean they'll want me to log more cafe time...", though in reality, I just don't seem like the go-to guy in this situation; As I've strongely indicated, I don't really care to BE in the cafe, and in any case, I still don't know how to do anything but pour coffee and ring things up on the register (And even the register part's still pretty "iffy". Last night, during my hour in the cafe, I found myself ringing up half the things I sold as "sidelines", because I couldn't find the REAL codes).

But in spite of my worries about how Hector's walkout would effect ME, and in spite of the fact that I had a cafe shift, I did a fairly good job at not letting the day turn to shit. So a quiet "yay" for me.

I'm afraid I have been feeling my spirits of recent days SLIPPING a bit. I'm not sure exactly what the deal is. I've been tired a lot, I know, and I felt kind of lonely after the movie on Friday, but really, nothing's any worse than it was a few days ago.

EXCEPT...

As I was riding home last night, I started hearing an odd rubbing noise from my bicycle, the bicycle I just spent $53 on last month to get a wheel replaced; Now, that very same wheel is LOOSE. The rubbing I was hearing was probably the loose wheel rubbing up against the brake.

This sort of thing just really frustrates me. I can't even tell exactly what's come LOOSE, let alone know how to FIX it. And with the whole sorry car saga, I just find myself in serious need of at least a temporary moratorium on shit braking down. It feels like the universe hasn't gotten the message yet, so let me state it outright--"Hey, I don't have any @$%!! MONEY, Okay? If I have to keep shelling out money to fix the #$@!! crap I already HAVE, how the @#$!! am I going to pay off my credit cards and be able to afford a CAR? Huh? HUH? Answer me THAT, Universe!"

Okay, the tantrum is over. Thanks for listening.

With the acting stuff, with sending out headshots, I still kind of feel like I'm ducking the issue.

Of the last twelve headshots I've sent out, seven of them were to agents (The other five were for student films). And I'm just not sure that that's the way to go right now; It seems pretty doubtful that I'm going to get a lot of response from agents here, being an older character actor with no experience they care about.

Better, I think, to focus on trying to ACT. But that's just feeling really HARD, and not just for the transportation reason, which IS an issue; One big thing that has thwarted me emotionally is that when I'm looking at listings in Backstage West, for plays or films or whatnot, I typically have nothing to go on. I don't know the plays, the directors, the venues, nothing. The only thing I end up looking at is if there's a role for a middle aged guy.

And even if I respond emotionally to some project, more often than not, you STILL have to just send your headshot, and get shot down before you even have a CHANCE to show them what you've got.

But there's no alternative here but to just keep pitching. I got the "Stiffed" video. I got the "Channel Zero" thing. And while neither of those things felt particularly satisfying or meaningful to me, it at least shows that there ARE going to be things out here that someone will like me for. And at some point, something will CLICK.

I just have to keep pitching.

But right now, I have to start riding, and hope my back wheel won't fall off on the way to the bike shop. Wish me luck!

 

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