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7:59 p.m. - Sun 5.24.2009 I'm way behind in my writing in here, but have felt so tired and crappy the past couple days, it's been impossible to focus... Where to start...? Went to LACC on Thursday, ostensibly to cross some "I's" and dot some "T's" before signing up for classes. But it looks like that's not going to work out. I don't want the whole entry to be about this, so I'm "skimming the surface", but basically, it turns out they have two theater programs - the "Academy" program, and the "Non-Academy" program. The "Academy" program you have to audition for, and the plays are done strictly by "Academy" students. It's a full-time commitment, which wouldn't work for me. The other thing, the "Non-Academy" program...well, long story short, I'm not really interested in studying theater unless I can actually bust out and do some theater. I'm a "learn by doing" guy. Like I said, there's more to it than that...but basically, college at this point is probably not going to be a good "fit" for me - Unless you're talking about "Community Ed" classes (They do have some theater and dance offerings. I've also thought at some point it might be worthwhile for me to learn Spanish - I live in LA, after all - and while it's not free, it's also not terribly expensive). We had an Earthquake recently (I felt the initial quake, but for some reason missed the aftershocks). It was nothing, really, but I found it sobering nevertheless - Afterward, I thought about how quickly it happened, how quickly the building could have fallen on me...and how quickly I could have been dead (And how, by the time it occurred to me to get under a doorway, it was over). But the building didn't crash down around my ears, and I continue to live, so "Yay!". My case file went out in Friday's mail, so I'm assuming I'll get it by the end of this week. I'm very excited about getting more pictures. I think that is very cool. Carrie S., my contact in Charleston, had thought she wasn't going to get it out till Tuesday, but when she started compiling it, things moved faster than she'd envisioned (In part, because she didn't have to spend a lot of time and effort redacting things - She has much more leeway in what she tells me, since I was never adopted, and thus, the records aren't sealed, at least not to the same extent as an adoption records). Anyway, I'm pretty thrilled about the pictures (Apparently, there are quite a few). Beyond that, I don't know exactly what I'm getting - Medical records, which might come in handy, and reports, I guess - but I know it won't all be pretty; As I keep saying to anyone who'll listen, "I know I didn't end up in foster care because everything was sunshine and lollipops". (And Carrie seconded that when I spoke to her Thursday morning, warning me that some of the file may be "difficult reading") Talked to Javier about this in therapy on Wednesday. We basically talked in terms of expectations and strategies for dealing - He said feeling "sad" would be a reasonable response, because, after all, what happened to me was sad. But if I find myself having "illogical" responses to what I find in my file - he didn't spell out what he meant by "illogical responses", but he didn't really have to - I should call someone, and/or put the file away till the next time we're able to talk. I'll actually be surprised if it comes to that - I don't think I'm going to "flip out" over anything I read - but who knows? And I guess it's good to have a plan in place in case I start losing my mind... Anyway, of course there will be much more to come on this particular subject... I actually have more to write about, but I'm out of time...I have to hop on my bike in a few minutes, and ride to the Sunset 5, where I'm meeting my friend Pat (We're going to see Outrage, a documentary about closeted gay politicians who work against gay causes). I think the movie will probably be interesting, and I'll enjoy seeing Pat, but honestly, I still feel like crap, and I'd like nothing more than to call it a night. But away I go...
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