9:03 PM - 01.02.18
(Torn between doing this and going to the store for some supplies...I want to do both, but want to at least get a start on this first...)
The holidays, which I always find "challenging" to one extent or another, are over.
I don't know if I have any particularly new or interesting thoughts vis a vis me and the holidays - In fact, pretty sure I don't - but I still feel the need to journal about the matter, so bear with me.
I had bouts of my typical holiday angst this year, but on-the-whole, this was a less-angsty "season of cheer" than normal, some bad depressive "spikes" notwithstanding (The whole "I'm in public and feel like crying" thing that happens to me sometimes happened a couple times in the past month or so).
One thing that might have been a little different is that I took note of the seasonal shutdown of "The Biz", and instead of seeing the holidays as simply "wasted time", used them, best I was able, as permission to enjoy some guilt-free, relatively anxiety-free time off from stressing about my career.
(I didn't have to feel guilty about "not doing enough" - a chronic issue - because there wasn't anything to do. And since nothing was happening for anybody, I didn't feel like I was failing or falling behind or whatever-the-fuck.)
While I didn't have things to do on Xmas or New Year's Eve (As is often the case, the anticipation of spending the actual holidays alone was worse than the reality), I went to Xmas parties - my agency thing, the SAG thing - and a couple other social gatherings that weren't officially "holiday parties", but felt "seasonal" nevertheless.
So to the extent I could, I "participated" in the holidays.
And while those parties mostly didn't work out for me (The most fun was a year-end gathering of people from my Zumba class at the Y), I gave myself points for the effort - My default, from previous experience, is to not want to do these things. But I did them anyway, because, as I've noted in here before, I'm realizing "nothing happens if I don't engage".
So I'm trying.
When it came to the giving and receiving part of the program, I gave and I got, and it was fine.
I've had fantasies about gift-giving and receiving - giving and receiving perfect gifts that demonstrate how well I know people and people know me - but I'm moving toward a more emotionally-healthy view, appreciating that I'm in a position to give anything over Xmas, and appreciating anyone who gives to me when it's not required.
I would like to be in a position to do more on the "giving" side, but didn't feel wracked with guilt over it, like some years.
And in terms of "receiving", I got more than I deserved (From Starbucks cards and bottles of wine
While I expect the holidays are always going to be tinged with depression and anxiety - I doubt I'll ever get over wishing I had more of a sense of "belonging" during this time of year - I'd like to believe that I'm, at long last, getting used to things being the way they are, and learning to, genuinely, "make the best of it".
I had some bad days leading to Xmas, as I said, but the day itself was fine - Kind of pleasant, as a matter-of-fact.
(To be continued...)
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