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9:56 PM - Mon 1.15.18 Okay, enough with the fucking holidays...! (No knock on MLK - He was a great man - but I just didn't need another Monday holiday so soon after Xmas and New Years.) So I was a little bummed today that I wasn't going to get any fun things in the mail, or have any auditions, or get called/texted about any auditions tomorrow (Though happily, the Y wasn't closed, so at least I had Zumba class, which went well). But speaking of auditions... (My interest in writing about this has ebbed considerably - since it's gone from something that was an exciting possibility to just another "swing-and-a-miss" - but I need to finish what I started with my last entry, the whole "Tale of Two Auditions" thing.) The audition at the Hammer felt pretty noteworthy because I hadn't done anything like it before (And really, shouldn't have been doing it at all). And if I had booked it, it would have been an interesting thing to go through, an interesting experience to have (As a person, and as a performer), though I wasn't at all sure I was "up for the challenge" of it, physically or emotionally. This other audition I was excited about couldn't have been more different... It was for a guest-star role on a Disney kids show called Bunk'd. Unlike my "guest-star" status on Shameless, this was an actual guest-star role - The plot centered around the character, who had a goal, who went through changes, and who just would have been fun to play. I'm a little embarrassed to be expressing all this acting excitement over a role on a Disney kids show, but "it is what it is" - I've been in LA almost 17 years now, and I've never booked a real guest-star. I rarely even get the chance. So I was excited to get the audition, which was a week ago today (I'd gotten notice about it before the weekend, so had a lot of time to prepare - Good thing, too, because it was multiple scenes over 14 pages). There are a lot of actors, at least in interviews I've read, who say that they read a script, and get excited if it makes them nervous, if they aren't sure how they would do the part. I wish I were that kind of actor...but I'm kinda not. Instead, I get really excited when I read a thing and immediately think "I totally know how to play this...!". And that's totally the feeling I had with this. I was even excited when I was able to cobble together an outfit that, in my own estimation, was really "on-point" for the character. And the audition went very well - So well, that when I was contacted by my agent the next day, I wasn't shocked, because he was clearly calling to tell me I'd booked the role. Except I hadn't. They were still re-writing the role, so they wanted me to go back in the next day to read for it again. As you might imagine, since I'd thought the role was mine, I was disappointed there was "another hoop to jump through". But quickly told myself that it was good I was "still in the game" and it was "another chance to show off". So I went back the next morning. There were maybe a half-dozen other guys there - which I found disappointing, because I'd hoped it was maybe down to me and another guy - but I was still feeling upbeat (I was momentarily discomfited to see some recognizable names, then realized "Hey, fuck them - I'm kind of a recognizable name myself...!"). Weird moment when a guy went in before me, was loud enough for me to hear him in the room, and I realized - to my own ear, at least - that he was doing virtually the identical performance I'd done a few days previous. And, to my eye, he looked better for the role. (So much for thinking I'm some uniquely creative genius as an actor...) When I went in, they had me read the first scene, which had been somewhat rewritten, but then, instead of having me read the three other scenes we'd been told were being done, they just had me read the last scene - As was explained to me, they just wanted to see if I could handle the emotion of the final scene without being sappy about it (For the record, I did). I left disappointed on two fronts - I thought I hadn't done as well with the second audition as I had the first (I bobbled some of the new lines), and felt I was operating under a disadvantage, since they'd just listened to these other guys do all four scenes, while their memories of what I did were now two days old - so was happily surprised when I got word I was "pinned" for the role a short time after I got home. And then I heard nothing the rest of that day. Or the day after. Or the day after. So, yet again, I was "pinned to nothing"...! (I'm assuming I lost out to the guy who had the same take on the role I did, but looked better for it. But who knows? Maybe we both lost out to one of the two former child stars who'd auditioned.) You can't lose your mind over every audition that doesn't go your way - That way madness lies - but this one has hit me pretty hard. It would have been five days of work, a big win early in the year, and it would have been fun...and now it's nothing. Again, I'm embarrassed to say it - It's a Disney show, not the next Breaking Bad or what-have-you - but I felt heartbroken over it. I just feel like I'm never gonna actually get to do anything out here. Ever. But all I can do it hope that this reminded them I'm out here, and they'll bring me in for some other, equally fun thing. And the year is young. Maybe Lyle will actually get me in for some real guest-star things on real shows. And maybe I'll book one of them/some of them. It could happen. I can dream...
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