1:35 pm - Thurs 1.27.2011
Three things I'd like right now:
1. A return to normal for my neck/throat.
2. The Bud spot to start running...with me in it.
3. Some exciting auditions/bookings - Not just opportunities to make money (though "opportunities to make money" are a good thing, don't get me wrong), but some gigs that would "turn me on", and represent definite career advancement.
(The desire for "career advancement" is a two-track desire; I want more to do as an actor - After all, I didn't come out here to be a bit player - and I need to make more money.)
I knew I was depressed going into my appointment with Dr A. on Monday, but I didn't realize how depressed; afterward, while setting my next appointment, the staffer, sensing my upset, asked "Are you okay?", and I responded by saying "no"...and started crying.
It wasn't big, wracking sobs or anything like that, but still - There's no way I can look back at that moment and be anything but embarrassed and unhappy about it.
In terms of what the Dr actually had to say about my situation, there's no real "news" to impart - I have an infection, it's getting dosed with antibiotics, it's slow going, and that's where we're at right now.
There's more (for example, while I haven't had the muscle spasms in my neck since the course of steroids the Dr. prescribed, my neck still hurts), but I don't want this entry to be just me going on about my aches and pains, so I'm going to move on...
When I think about the Budweiser spot, I have to say, I've taken what ought to be a good thing - booking a national commercial - and managed to make it just another source of angst and upset.
First, there was the business of going in for "Undertaker", then having a shot at the plum role of "Bartender", before ending up as the blink-and-you'll-miss-it "Man In Window".
I tried not to feel like I'd been demoted...but I failed.
Then, after the shoot, I've done little but worry (In part because the bit is so fleeting) about ending up on the cutting room floor.
When I saw how much went into the spot - big cast, name actor in the lead, music rights for an Elton John song, etc. - I thought "This may be a Superbowl commercial" (And many people I've described the commercial to, in broad terms, have said the same).
...and that looks to be the case (My friend Margaret even saw a 15-second "preview" recently that definitely sounded like the spot in question). So, if I do make the cut, this will be, I believe, my first Superbowl commercial.
That would be fun - though it would be more fun if I were actually doing something in the commercial - but mostly, I'm just glad my worry about whether I'm in the completed spot will soon be over...one way or the other.
I don't know if it's my childhood, or bad brain chemicals, or what, but I sure wish that, instead of dwelling on what could go wrong in this instance (Getting cut out of the commercial and making no residuals), I would choose instead to dwell on the delightful possibility that a gig I booked at the end of last year, that took - including travel time - less than half a day, might net me so much money that I could be financially "set" for the immediate future.
I think, on some (mistaken) level, my brain doesn't see any "up side" in assuming things will go well, feeling instead that I need to "prepare myself" if/when things go badly.
It doesn't work.
And I need to keep telling myself it doesn't work - It's just not a mind-set that does me any favors.
I think one "optimistic" point of view I need to foster is that, since I had some opportunities to do some bigger roles this past year, that more opportunities will be coming this year.
And I'm talented enough, interesting enough, with a distinctive enough "look", that I'm going to book some of them.
It's just a matter of hanging on, and "keeping the faith".
(Well, this feels like a bit of a rush-job on what should be a bigger, better entry, but I am one tired puppy, and I need to try and grab a nap before WW this evening...)
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