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10:59 AM - FRI 4.09.21

Thank You Magic 8-Ball!

As I begin, I'm listening to a YouTube debate - "Is Belief In The Resurrection Reasonable?" - between (Atheist) Matt Dillahunty and (Christian) Trent Horn...

(Don't know why you need to know that. Just like to give you a sense of what's going on in my world as I do these things.)

Minutes ago, it struck me that, while it's unreasonable to expect "big things" to happen in one's life on a regular basis, it's been a while since I've had any "big things" happen.

So, in other words, I'm ready for a "big thing" to happen.

(And by "big thing", I trust you understand I'm talking about a positive "big thing" - I'm not "ready" for my apartment building to blow up or to get a fatal medical diagnosis or whatnot.)

But nothing really seems in the offing, at least not in the immediate future.

And let's be honest - All I'm talking about here is booking some amazing job. I'm kind of hard-pressed to think of something that could realistically happen other than that which would constitute a "big thing" (I mean, a boatload of money could drop into my lap somehow, but we're talking here about something that, while unlikely, could realistically happen - say, getting a big, life-changing audition and nailing it - versus "hoping for a miracle delivery of money that would put me on easy street for the duration of my time on Earth").

As far as Acting is concerned, I was in my local Target recently, and consulted a Magic 8-Ball about my future, asking, "Am I going to book a new series before the year is out?", "Am I going to book a really nice guest-star role before the year is out?", and "Am I going to book a national commercial before the year is out?" (And while the answer about my next series was ambiguous - "Better not tell you now." - I was happy to learn I'll definitely be booking a really nice guest-star and a national commercial before year's end. Thank you, Magic 8-Ball...!).

A "big thing" for Shameless fans is that the series finale is Sunday.

The show ended for me a month ago...but that said, Sunday will be another ending of sorts - the last time people are going to regularly see me on TV.

Maybe forever? Maybe till my next show?

(But how's a "next show" going to happen with no fucking auditions...?)

I really want another show. Because I want to be able to feed and clothe myself until such time as I don't have to worry about that shit no more, but also because that's just what I want to do, who I want to be.

I said to Mark and Jane the last time I talked to them that, while whether I'm going to get it or not is an open question, I know what I want out of "my next show'...

1. I don't want to be #1 on the callsheet (Good thing, because that shit was never gonna happen), but I want to show up in the single digits...maybe the high single digits.

2. I want to be a meaningful part of the story/stories (Being a part of the main plotline and/or having my own "B" or "C" plots).

3. I want to make enough money, and have the show run long enough, that - given a decent lifespan - I won't have to worry about money/taking care of myself for the remainder of my life (Be nice if it got me to the point of earning a pension after).

4. I want to be part of the publicity for the show. I want to be on the posters and the promotional shit. I want to be, and be considered, an important part of the show.

Of course, if I become a series regular on any show, that would be a good thing...but that said, if I got to do the kind of thing I'd most like to do on TV, I think it would be an hour-long show that combined drama and comedy (Does anyone still use the word "Dramedy"...?) - I realize there's something about my appearance that's inherently funny, but I'd still like to express real feelings from time-to-time and have the audience see my character as a real person.

I know what I want.

So how the fuck do I get it?

Well, what else is going on...?

Went to the eye doctor for only the third time in my life yesterday morning (Referred by my regular doctor because of having fallen into the "diabetes" range on previous blood tests - I was thinking it was just the one blood test, but upon further reflection, I think I tested high on the test before that one. So the doctor said let's take a wait-and-see attitude, then the next time I tested it was still high, so he put me on the Metformin, I lost some weight, and got back to "pre-diabetic". Something like that. But anyway...).

I was a little nervous going in - Not just about "the diabeetus" (Did I damage my eyes during however long it was that I was "diabetic"?) but about my eyes in general.

But everything was fine. No diabetes-related damage, no glaucoma, everything looked the way it should - The only "problem" with my eyes is that they're getting old (I told the doctor I was using "reading glasses" with a 2.5 strength - That's what I think I've got, anyway - and that turns out to be exactly right).

While I don't strictly "need" a prescription, he wrote me one anyway, so if I want, I can do something I've been thinking about for a while - Get glasses I could potentially wear for some headshot photos and/or to auditions (An ongoing debate I've had with myself is whether or not, in a post-Shameless era, to continue looking like I do now or try to change my casting by letting my hair go to its real color, growing my beard, and maybe sporting some glasses (And trying for the judge/professor/scientist roles out there, instead of...whatever-the-hell-people-see-me-as-now).

(He gave me a prescription with "progressive lenses", which sounds helpful for auditions - I can look straight out and see normally, but look down and have reading glasses. Which
seems like it could be helpful if I'm holding my script.)

It's partially about casting, to be sure - I'm afraid I'll get no play if I change the "look" I'm currently known for, but on the other hand, maybe it "shakes things up" in a way that helps - but it's also just personal vanity (I like the way I look with a beard and gray/white hair and wish I could "move through the world" that way).

(I will very soon be throwing this question to "my people" to see what they think.)

And, I guess prompted by what I just wrote, I just emailed a photographer that was recommended to me, to see if they might be interested in working with me (Their page suggests that I might be "small potatoes" in terms of their clientele. And Gerry, who recommended them, was not sure they were even still IN the headshot business - they might be doing magazine work exclusively.

It's only been a month, but I'm starting to get nervous at how little is happening.

But right now, I'm gonna wrap this up, because I need to head to the store to perhaps purchase some sort of alcohol.

Till next time...



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