4:20 am - Thur 9/5/02
Portrait Of An Internet Addict

(I am at the Internet cafe on Wilshire, the Internet cafe I go to whenever I have some sort of computer difficulty at home.)

Monday night after I got home from work, I logged onto the computer, as I usually do, and got online.

Within five minutes or so, I was disconnected. And when I tried to log back on...nothing.

And "nothing" is what I've had every since. I mean, I have a computer still, but my dial-up is not dialing up, so I have no Internet, which fills me with more frustration, upset, and general anxiety than I'm even comfortable communicating in here.

(But I think the fact that it's nearly 4:30 in the a.m. and I've left the house to get my "fix" clearly indicates the depth of my problem.)

(I thought, while I wait for Cary to figure out what's going wrong and what needs to be done about what's going wrong, that I could simply haul my old computer out and continue on my merry internet way, but here's where things really get interesting, though it's a very annoying kind of "interesting"--I can't get a dial tone on that computer either. So that would indicate it's not a problem with the modem, but on the other hand, both phone jacks are working, the dial-up number works when I dial it on my telephone, and there's no report of any problems with the Freenet. So, in short, I'm wondering "What the @#$!! is going on here?)

I don't want to obsess over this, but of course, I am obsessing over this (I've got Cary on the case, and tonite while I was at work, I called Joe, who works in the back room and is also a computer expert. I'm going to call him tomorrow at some point before he goes in to work. But at this point, I don't know what the problem is or when it's likely to be rectified).

In a way, this reminds me of how I feel when Jane goes on a trip and is going to be incommunicado for a couple days; I think I'm Mr Big Adult Guy, but then something happens that makes me realize how tenuous my grip on emotional stability is. It's been two days without e-mail, diaryland, online porn, web-surfing, etc, and I feel downright bereft.

I'm bored. I'm lonely. I don't know what to do with myself (And wouldn't you know it--I can't even check a book out from the store, because inventory is in less than two weeks!).

This is very much coloring my mood these days. That and the continuing crushing weight of fatigue and sleepless nights (Probably not too helpful that I'm doing this right now instead of sleeping, but you know what? It doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't do regarding trying to sleep, so if I have a mind to do this right now, I say, more power to me!).

I'm "Unhappy Guy"

Something else that is really bothering me is something I can't really talk about in here. But let's suffice it to say that it's one of those situations where there doesn't seem to be any outcome that will make me happy. No course of action springs to mind that makes me think "Eureka! That's what I'll do!".

(Jane, it's the thing we chatted about last time we chatted...)

There really isn't much else going on in the way of "news", per se...

The audition is coming up soon. Something that was a very exciting and happy event, holding out the possibility of still more excitement and happiness, has somehow...curdled; This week, I've been feeling more anxious and upset than anything else when I think about this audition.

"And why is that?", You ask?

Well, I think it's because this one is coming hard to me. Like I think I said in my last entry, I don't quite know what to do with this material. I didn't just pick it up, start reading it, and immediately know what to do, and that makes me scared and uncomfortable, which in turn, makes me want to do something which is ultimately self-defeating and self-destructive, which is to avoid the discomfort by avoiding the work.

(Most of the shows I've done, and most of the roles I've gotten some sort of acclaim for, were things I grasped immediately upon first reading the script. It's kinda of how I know I'm good at this crap; I feel like I seem to get a "fix" on the right thing to do fairly quickly, unlike most other aspects of my misbegotten existence.)

But all the handwringing aside, and all the turning something that should be fun into just another thing to fret about, I think I have made some headway. And even if this particular bit of theater isn't hitting me as "Intuitively" as I might like, if I didn't immediately look at it and get a "fix" on how I should approach the role, I'm still no dummy; I know the material will play best if I don't do anything to try to "force" the absurdity of it. And there are indications in what the character says that give me some idea about how I should play the role (He refers to having taken some "Nyquil and Qualludes" at one point, so he's probably not talking and thinking all that quickly. And he's lost his job, seems to be very tired--Perhaps that's the Nyquil and Quaaludes talking--and has to deal with a wife that seems to be brain damaged or insane or both. So it's not as if I have to go into the audition Friday with no "take" on what I'm reading).

Well, I could actually go on for quite awhile (I've got quite a bit of material in my "pocket journal"), but I think I'm going to save it for tomorrow, since I still have some time on my little "computer card", and go home and try to sleep (I have to get up early enough tomorrow to catch Joe before he has to go to work in the afternoon).

I feel fairly shitty right now, shittier in fact than circumstance warrant, but I'm going to be okay...

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