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1:59 pm - Sat 7/06/02
How to Lose Friends and Annoy People

How To Lose Friends And Annoy People

Having the feeling these days that my work in Diaryland isn't helping me, or winning any converts to my cause.

Jane recently suggested going back to my private journal, then doing a "Jim's Week in Review" sort-of-thing in here.

In effect, I'd be splitting the difference; I could "vent" in a safe, non-judgemental place (Or at least a place where I'd be the only one "judging"), but could still maintain a presence in here, and still feel like I'm "connecting" with others in my way (I may not be happy with how Diaryland is going right now, but the fact is, it has brought good things into my life, and I have enjoyed it much more often than not).

Jane, anticipating my objection to this idea--that it's not "honest", that it would amount to always making sure I had a "smiley face" on in here--suggested that it wouldn't have to be dishonest, but just "another side of me". Basically, working out the issues in private, and displaying the conclusions in public, if I understood her suggestion correctly.

I know something has to change, that's for sure...

For pretty much all my journaling life, one thing I've known I needed to get better at was noticing and commenting and being grateful for the positive things that do happen to me (I notice them a lot, I really do, but for whatever reason, I'm not always great at remembering to write it down when I get to my journal).

And similarly, I have to get better at patting myself on the back for progress made. It would help me personally, and paint a more balanced picture in here; I'm not depressed all the time, I don't feel defeated or on the brink of disaster all the time, and sometimes, in spite of everything, in spite of what might come across in here, I actually manage to feel... hopeful.

But if I don't write it in here, you don't know that, do you? If all you hear from me is gloom and doom, I can hardly be surprised if I get feedback that suggests people are starting to find me...somewhat fatiguing.

I can come up with a couple positive things right now...

1. At the recent store staff meeting, one new "perk" that came up is that we can now have books and magazines in the break room, as long as they are in our possession, and get put back when we're finished with them (That's a pretty big deal to me; It's been an ongoing source of frustration, that I work in a bookstore where reading on the floor is prohibited and we couldn't have unpaid merchandise in the break room).

Also at the staff meeting; Marie, the new GM, is instituting a more systematic way for the promo cds to be dispensed (Until now, my sense has been that the music people have gone through, taken their fill, and left everyone else with the dregs). This is another perk that makes being at Borders Books AND Music just a little more worthwhile.

(And one last thing about the staff meeting--free pizza. Need I say more?)

2. Cary and Kay continue to be in my corner here. They actually shelled out money, and signed up to an apartment listing website for me. I'm not sure I've communicated my gratitude to them in here often enough (Though I've been extravagant in my thanks to them directly. I feel like it's important that they know I'm not taking their kindness for granted).

3. The weather out here is...well, I've lost track of how many perfect days I've experienced since being out here (The nicest thing? Even when the day is a tad hotter than I might like, the nights are, almost inevitably, wonderfully cool).

4. The "cutbacks" I thought might leave me feeling more poor and depressed? Actually, they kind of provided an emotional boost; It was stuff, by and large, I could live without anyway, and I had the good feeling of taking my situation and doing something about it.

There are any number of things that occur to me over the course of a day, or a week, that provide at least some small good feeling, and sometimes more than that. But I have a tendency, and I know I'm not alone here, to just assume the "good things" are a given, while I rail against the things I'm unhappy about like it's some indignity I should never have to face in life.

So anyway, back to Diaryland...

A phrase from a book on journaling I read a long time ago sprung to mind as I was writing this..."A journal should be a servant, not a taskmaster".

If I can make Diaryland do what I want it to do--Basically, help me and not hurt me--I'll continue writing it. But if not, it'll have to go.

But I don't want it to go. I want to get back to having fun with it.

But more importantly, I want to get back to having fun with me. I'm very tired of feeling like I'm fighting with myself all the time. And I want Diaryland to reflect another... possibility.

But speaking of being "tired"...I've gotta lay down a bit before work...

See ya.

 

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