11:53 PM - Tues 10.21.14
Where to start...?
Happy with myself tonight, because I was resisting going to my WW "member meeting" - and by "resisting", I mean "like I was going to my own execution" - but I got there...and turns out I lost 3.4 lbs over the past two weeks (I started back at meetings five weeks ago; for the first three weeks, I basically "maintained", and felt miserable being there. Then last week, I didn't go because I was shooting Shameless...and tonight was "Week #5").
I was happy I had a good weight loss - after weeks of nothing - but the thing I'm really happy about is simply that I started actually addressing the problem I've had for the past couple years now - waking up in the middle of the night and eating.
And in a bit of "out of the box" thinking, I "addressed it" by not addressing it, and instead, addressing the things around it.
Since eating overnight is only a problem if I'm eating all my points, and I couldn't seem to get get control of the issue, I decided to work on my eating in the earlier part of the evening instead; my "eating day" starts at 6:00 pm, and for awhile now, I've been eating half my daily points by bedtime - which is really too much (Eating half my daily points in a matter of hours is not "hunger", it's "compulsiveness") - and that means nighttime eating can leave me with little or no points from the time I get up till 6:OO pm rolls around again.
That's just crazy; I can't live like this as a regular person, let alone a WW employee.
So I've been working on just making sure I eat less than half my points before bedtime, and reconnecting with my physical hunger (As opposed to my desire to just eat).
As a result, I've been going to bed with anywhere from a 2-to-6 point "surplus" most nights (So if I do get up and eat something - or a couple of "somethings" - I'm less likely to "break the bank".
But beyond just the pragmatic use of points - "If you're gonna eat overnight, then you have to eat less during the evening" - this makes me feel good because it's me not being mired in my unhappiness over something (while not doing anything about it), but having a problem and taking steps to resolve it.
And I think that'll help me manage the "overnight eating" itself - I'm not that interested in unpacking why it's happening (I'm realizing that doesn't really help anything), but I do think taking away the "illicitness" of it will go a great way towards eliminating it, over time, as a habit.
Because I want my "goal weight" back (At this point, I've basically regained half of what I lost when I reached "Lifetime"). I want to feel "skinny" again. I want to fit into my size 36 pants again. I want to feel "successful" again (Especially if I'm going to start being a "personal coach").
I want to regain the sense of pride, and accomplishment, I felt when I reached my goal. I want to feel back in control.
(That last thing is maybe most important of all; this is the one thing in life I really do have total control over, so "taking charge" of this situation means that something in my life is going the way I want it to...and I need that.)
And after a long wallow in frustration and self-pity, I'm ready to start making it happen.
Weds 10.22.14 (6:20 pm)
Happy to report that I have one of those "audition" things tomorrow (It's been so long my memory is a little hazy - but I know I like them, and sometimes I get to visit a real Hollywood set afterwards, and be in a little skit, and then I get a check in the mail. And that's all pretty cool.
It's pretty "hush-hush", this audition - they aren't sending out sides (Instead you have to go early to the audition to read them beforehand) - and apparently, it's even more "hush-hush" than I first realized; my manager admonished me for putting it on Facebook, and I didn't even say what role I was going in for (And again, I can't "spoil" anything about the show or the plot, because of the "having to read the sides while I'm at the audition" thing).
Anyway, that's a thing that's happening, and even though it's a small role, I'm happy at least something's happening, cause it's been one seriously slow "busy season" (This is my second audition this month, and only my second tv audition since tv production started back up around the end of summer). And it's a new network show that's going to get a lot of publicity, and it would be fun to be at least a small part of that.
And speaking of tv (and small roles), I shot my third - and probably final - Shameless of the coming season, a week ago Tuesday.
It was great fun (I've been - I'm embarrassed to say - describing it to people as "an oasis of happiness in challenging times"); I just had four lines, but it was in a nice little scene, and I felt good about how it went.
I also kinda/sorta had something happen that I'd wanted to have happen for awhile...
When I went to Chicago to shoot episode #4, I told Emmy Rossum (The night of the party at Joan Cusack's house) I was a little bummed that, after working with her on my very first episode on the show, I've never done a scene with her since.
Well, we didn't really act together on this episode I just shot (#10), but we kinda/sorta were "in the same scene together", so at least I got to hang out with her a little bit on the set.
It would be a lovely surprise if I got called for the final episode, but I think I would have heard by now (The 11th of next month is supposed to be the last day of shooting) - So, on the "minus" side of the ledger, I only got three episodes this year (half as many as last season), but the "plus" is that they were all pretty decent "guest stars", and with the one episode, I got three days of work and a trip to Chicago (And I got to look at Emmy Rossum, and she's really pretty).
I want to write more, but I'm afraid I've written too much already (Though sometimes I'm surprised, when I post the entry, at how short it is, considering it took me hours to write it).
But what's a few more paragraphs among friends?
I've had something bad going on in my mouth for the past couple weeks (Smoothly coinciding with a lapse in my health insurance, of course).
I won't bore you with the history of my toothache over the past couple weeks; what I'm interested in tonight is that, over the past three days, I haven't been hurting (And we're talking about pain that had me, one night, taking Ibuprofen, aspirin, leftover Tramadol from a long-expired prescription, and half a bottle of Kroger EZ Nite Sleep).
I've never had something in my mouth hurt on-and-off for weeks like this, then just stop, so I don't really know what to make of it.
Is this some kind of miracle, or simply "the calm before the the storm"?
(Beats me...but if it does end up being a "miracle", I might have to re-think this whole "Atheist" thing...)
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