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11:26 am - Wed 8/21/02
Not Feeling Anxious, Aggressive, Or Any Other \"A\" Words
(Trying to do this as I chat with Kevin, which will no doubt mean doing both things in a half-assed fashion.)

A few weeks back, I came across the word "solipsism" in my reading, and while I had a sense of what it meant (An unhealthy self-involvement), I decided to look it up.

Solipsism--The theory that the self is the only reality

Reading that leaves me not knowing what I believe in regarding "reality"; I was about to say that I think "self" is just a filter that we view "reality" through, but if that's the case, who's judging, objectively, what "reality" really is? If we're all seeing "reality" through our little "self" filters, can there even be such a thing as one, objective "reality"?

Maybe not...


Just got back from the Coleman & Smith office, for my ostensible "appointment" with Erika.

She didn't show.

I'm not overwhelmed with anger or angst. I don't feel anxious or apoplectic, or any other "A" words.

I just want to know the rehearsal schedule, is all. I'm a simple man, with one simple desire.

Stephan, the office manager, said that he thought my next rehearsal was going to be tomorrow night, which would be cool, seeing as how that's one of my normal nights off.

But I'm not going anywhere until someone who actually knows calls and tells me what the deal is.

(I had debated whether to drive or ride my bike to the office on Sunset. I opted to drive, and I think that ended up being a good choice; The drive there, the wait, and the drive back, took less than an hour. If I'd rode my bike, it would have taken considerably longer, and felt like a big disruption and energy drain in my day, all for nothing.)

Earlier, I thought one source of upset over stuff like this is my fear that, in spite of my not being at all in the wrong in a situation like this--I've done everything I could do to move this in the right direction--I'm going to end up taking the heat somehow. Like, if all the other actors were able to make the read-through Sunday, even with the short notice, that I'm going to be the one who looks bad, even if I haven't done anything wrong.

But I've got to let that kind of thinking go. I punish myself enough for assorted crimes, both real and imaginary; I can't spend more time and energy worrying what other people might think of me, especially when there's nothing in my heart but the desire to do the right thing (Like have someone tell me a rehearsal schedule for the show, so I can go to rehearsals and work hard and end up doing well in a good show and making myself, my fellow actors, and the audience, happy).

But anyway...

It's my "Friday", so I'm happy about that (Though that said, it occurs to me that there's something a little off in basically living for those two days a week); I maybe have rehearsal, which would be nice, but if not, it's still two days of fun and relaxation for Jim.


If I have rehearsal on Thursday night, but not on Friday, maybe I'll take that jaunt to Santa Monica I thought about doing last Thursday. Walk around the Promenade, check out the ocean, maybe eat at an inexpensive restaurant, take in a movie.

I don't really have that much to say right now--which is kind of unfortunate, since I'm all cleaned up and actually have time to write in here--so I think I'm going to close, and see if I can't catch a little cat-nap.

Hope life is treating you all well (My stats counter is saying no one's read my journal in weeks, but since I've gotten comments from a few people on things I've written, I know there are at least a few of you still lurking about...)


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