9:08 pm - Sat 12.21.2013
Belonging

Trying to figure out why doing this has become harder over the years, instead of easier...

To hazard a guess, I'd say it's likely a combination of increasing physical/mental fatigue, in combination with an ongoing, serious (And sometimes seriously debilitating) Internet addiction.

(Well, glad I solved that...!)

I have to re-train myself to once again write these in one sitting - it doesn't really work for me to do otherwise (I just deleted everything I'd written in the past week) - and edit as I go, or immediately afterward.

But I don't want this entry to disappear up its own ass, so moving on...

I should be feeling triumphant - In the waning days of 2013, I finally got roles (In Brooklyn 99 and an episode of Shameless) that made me feel like more than a glorified extra - but while I'm hard-pressed to come up with a single-word description of how I feel right now, "triumphant" ain't it.

I was definitely happy to get booked on Shameless as much as I have been for the 4th season; at one point, I whined to my friend Mike - who plays "Tommy" on the show - that I must have "done something wrong" in terms of my characterization of "Kermit", because I didn't seem to have much "utility" for the writers (When I appeared in Season 3 less than I had in Season 2, when I'd been hoping for more).

Apparently, I was wrong - the world of Shameless doesn't actually center around how "Kermit" is portrayed, and it was just random chance I had one less episode in Season 3 than the year before - and in this case, I'm happy to be wrong.

People have asked me, with the plot-line of Frank basically dying and in desperate need of a liver transplant, whether Macy is leaving the show.

I don't know. But I hope not, because I don't know if the show goes on without its name draw (And most "shameless" character).

Besides which, I'd like to have the opportunity to keep periodically acting with him (It's not novel anymore...but it's still pretty cool).

But the AV Club, the website I go to most often for my movie review/tv recap needs, has suggested (in its Shameless recaps) that "Frank" is not the big "draw" for them anymore, that Emmy Rossum and the family's trials and tribulations are much more compelling than "Frank", a character that really has nowhere to go but down, however well-acted by Macy.

When I shot my first episode this year, Mike told me Macy hadn't appeared much in the bar so far. And I worried, because that's pretty much the only place I appear.

But happily, in episodes 7 & 8, they tie my character into a plot-line with "Kevin" (The bar owner). And in episode 9, which I'm shooting the first week of January, my bit plays on the fact that we don't see "Frank" much in the bar anymore (Don't know what I'm doing in episode 10 at this point).

The last time I was on the set, Mike and I did a pretty good job of persuading ourselves the nature of the show requires there be a bar, complete with a couple of barfly characters like ourselves (And the fact we've now been in a number of scenes in the bar without Macy would seem to bear that out).

Well, to sum up, I think about all there really is to say about all this is "It'll be interesting to see what happens".

I just hope, if Shameless is in the latter part of its run (Which seems a reasonable assumption, whatever Macy does or doesn't do - We're four season in now), that a viable post-Shameless career starts emerging soon (Like starting to book actual guest-star roles, and/or getting a new "recurring" or two. Of course, I'd be up for just skipping those steps and getting a series...but that doesn't seem likely at this juncture).

Sun 12/22/13 (4:55 pm)

Was disappointed last week, when, at my weekly weigh-in, I was up over 2 lbs (After four weeks of posting losses).

So it was nice this morning when I weighed in and posted a loss (Of the exact amount I'd gained last week).

So I basically did a little "running in place" - No harm, no foul.

It's important to me that I get back to my weight goal...particularly now that gaining weight means paying WW $14 for the week (That's something I initiated, not something WW imposed on me). I don't like feeling like "I'm not running my life very well", that I'm not in control, so being overweight just doesn't "work" for me.

That's not the way I want others to see me, and it's not the way I want to see myself.

Anyway...

Didn't really start my annual "Struggle with Xmas" till just a few days ago.

I feel like I've gone over again and again why the holidays are tough for me, why I'd like to be put in a medically-induced coma till January 2nd...but it really boils down to a single word.

Belonging.

And how I don't.

Especially at the holidays.

I sent my cards - I may try to get a few more out to some L.A. based people tomorrow morning, but I'm basically done - and spent a couple hundred on gift certificates (For Howard, for Cary and Kay's son Donovan, for Aaron and Trevor, and for Mom).

I haven't done the couple donations I do - in lieu of gifts - for a couple folks (Because I don't have the means to give them anything, gift-wise, that really matters), but I'm essentially done with Xmas on the giving side.

My friend Tim invited me over for Xmas, if my "other thing didn't pan out" (That's where I went for Thanksgiving, and I had a nice time), but I've decided to hang out with my friend Howard instead.

The thing Howard would typically do on Xmas isn't happening this year, so it made more sense to me to hang out with him - since he's the only person I hang out with on a regular basis anyway.

And, going forward, I think that's what I'm going to do - If there's a "Howard" to hang with (Either actual Howard, or someone who's playing the role of Howard in my life), I'll do that; otherwise, I'll just spend the day playing with myself...so to speak.

I want to be done with the angsty business of not knowing what I'm going to do on the holidays, of feeling like fucking Oliver Twist, wondering if someone's going to take pity on me, wishing I really belonged somewhere.

It's grown tiresome.

But speaking of "growing tiresome", I feel like I've been doing this forever-and-a-day, and good, bad, or indifferent, I just want to finish it.

I was about to reference Jesus, and close with "It is finished"...but that's really more of an Easter reference, isn't it?

I still remember a little bit of Sunday School...!

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