11:18 pm - Tues 7.05.2011
I didn't write the full entry I wanted to write yesterday, so before I move on to today's business, I just wanted to say - Yesterday's holiday meant more to me than most holidays (Beyond any "emotional associations" from past 4ths), because I am increasingly anxious and afraid over what is happening in the country.
Let's say, I thought about the "meaning of the day" more than I typically do.
I wonder all the time if I'm bearing witness to "permanent midnight" in the United States, and if that's the case, what that means to me (And by "what that means to me", I mean in both the practical and and the emotional sense).
It just seems like so much has gone so wrong, and we don't have the wherewithal to fix it. It's frightening, and it's sad.
Have not felt good today. In fact, I felt so not-good that I left my Weight Watchers meeting this morning early, because I was afraid I was going to puke in front of the members.
(I wanted to be a brave little soldier and "gut it out", but when I started to plot what I'd do if I did start throwing-up - "If the bathroom is in use, I can grab the wastebasket by the door and go into the lobby..." - discretion seemed the better part of valor...if I'm using that phrase correctly.)
So I went home, where I continued to feel queasy - with my bowels more knotted-up than usual - and have basically just dozed for the rest of the day (Haven't thrown up, to my surprise. And beyond one episode of diarrhea - followed by constipation the next time I sat on the toilet - my bowels aren't behaving that much worse than usual, knotted-up feeling notwithstanding).
But on to the big story...
On the surgical front, the nose part of my procedures has been approved, so..."Yay"?
It is a good thing, of course, if it ultimately means breathing/sleeping better. But I'd kind of talked myself into thinking "this won't be so bad, since I'm only doing the throat stuff..." (Conveniently forgetting that "the throat stuff" was the source of all the problems last time).
So anyway, that's gonna be happening at 10:45 am on Friday.
I have various and sundry anxieties connected to this, as you might guess, but there's no real point in trotting them out again, because the decision was made to do this in spite of whatever anxieties.
Because ultimately, the potential of permanent benefit trumps temporary anxieties about discomfort and what-have-you.
I just want to sleep. Just want to feel what it feels like to actually get rest.
And speaking of sleep, it's time for me to head to bed (Working an extra WW meeting tomorrow, so it's going to be a pretty full day).
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