3:39 am - Sun 6/18/06
Getting Better

Sat 6/17/06 (7:21 p.m.)

Still thinking a lot about what just happened to me...

I know I�ve said it before, but a lot of what I�ve thought about today is how badly this could have gone--Physically, financially, emotionally, you name it�and how I can hardly imagine it having gone any better than it did.

The surgery seems to have gone very well, the money�s going to work out (I got a notice today from Disability, and it looks like they�ll be paying me on the high-side of what I typically make at the theater), and what was a scary, stressful, difficult situation has now become, essentially, a month�s vacation (Granted, not the vacation I would have chosen for myself�I�d prefer something where I was at least a bit more ambulatory-- but hey, at least it�s a �vacation� I can afford).

I�m still wondering about the �stress component� of what happened. Thinking about whether my ending up in the hospital was my body�s way of saying �Jim, you really need to take a break�, and guessing it probably was (It struck me while at the hospital that I�d started to make bitter comments at work, to the effect that I didn�t know when I�d be able to even take a day off work, let alone have an actual vacation, because of ArcLight not providing any paid personal/vacation days).

I�d been pondering the �stress thing� on my own, and after Gail spoke to me on the phone while I was at the hospital, I pondered it a lot more.

Gail, a friend of mine from Lansing who is now a vet living in Palm Springs (And who recently visited me in LA, taking me out for a belated birthday lunch where I enjoyed myself immensely), is a veteran of some �gut issues� herself.

And from her own experiences with stress affecting her system, and from what she reads of my experiences here in LA and how I�ve been struggling to cope, I think she sees me as a �fellow traveler� in that regard (Yoga and meditation are now two of her ways to keep stress from eating her up inside).

I know I�ve pretty much already written about this, but it�s weighing on me a bit still. If this wasn�t �just something that happened�, and stress got the better of me, it�s really important that it doesn�t �get the better of me� again in another six months, or two years, or whenever.

But how do I do that...?

I think, in general, �caring for myself� is a big part of the puzzle. You can�t be stressed to the gills, be grossly overweight, make drinking water a �sometimes� kind-of-thing, live in filth, and in general just not take very good care of yourself, and be surprised when things eventually start to break down.

And I have so many traps I can fall into when starting to talk about taking care of myself�I can get angry and frustrated with myself for �letting things get this bad�, I can beat myself up for giving in temptation or slacking off once I do start trying to do better, or I can just never be quite doing it right enough, till any impetus I had to �take care of myself� gets lost in in shuffle.

I don�t want this to be another one of those times. I don�t want to get sidetracked by anger and recrimination and perfectionist tendencies that are self-destruction personified.

I want to "get something" from this experience. It's very important to me.

I genuinely want to do better.

To find the place, beyond all the crap in my head, where I love myself, care for myself, and realize that my life is a precious thing, and worth preserving, worth doing my very best with.

I think something that might help was a realization I had recently�just about everything I do in my �leisure time� is an effort to comfort myself. To paper-over the fact that I don't feel good.

I�ve basically fallen into a lifestyle where, in one way or another, I�m constantly �medicating myself�, trying to innoculate myself from my boredom, my loneliness, my fatigue, etc. and so on. What I do, by and large, I pretty much do in order to avoid feeling bad (That goes for things I avoid doing as well).

And I think there has to be a better way to live one�s life, than just constantly �medicating� yourself against whatever pain you�re feeling, or are afraid you're going to feel.

And that �better way�, the difference between going through life simply trying not to feel pain, and actually living your life...well, now that I�m starting to see the difference, I believe I can summon the courage, the strength of will, and the love for myself that it�ll take to start effecting some genuine changes in my life.

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