10:23 pm - Mon 8.20.2012
Brotherhood

Seems the more I have to write about, the less I write, but anyway...

I've had three auditions so far this month, and from the three, got a callback, booked a gig, and was "on the short list" (May still be "on the short list", for all I know).

It's really not a bad showing - not bad at all - but I need things to pick up; I need more auditions and I need to book more.

Sometimes I don't think people understand - I'll say "I need to book more" in here, or on a Facebook status, and someone will inevitably "argue the point", telling me how well I'm doing because I booked this or that gig, or because I'm a recurring character on Shameless or Austin & Ally.

And don't get me wrong, I was very happy to go in for Shameless last month, and to shoot NCIS this month.

And even though they don't have quite the same "kick" as when I first got here - and can sometimes be frustrating, in a "close, but no cigar" way - getting callbacks, being "pinned"/put "on avail", etc, is (mostly) encouraging (It tells me I'm "getting it done"; I'm making an impression when I'm "in the room", and will likely be back in that casting office before too long).

But it's mid-August, and I've had one "new booking" so far this year.

And this shit is my job - I'm trying to make a living here.

And Shameless is past the mid-way point in filming for the coming season, and I've been in one. stinking. episode (Where I had a measly two lines).

(The excitement of being a "recurring character" fades a bit when you don't actually "recur".)

And I don't know when Austin & Ally will start filming again, or when it does, how much they'll want/need "Pirate Frank"; I assumed they were going to stick me into any episode that took place at the mall this past season, but they really didn't, so who knows?

And I'd love if my career took some great quantum leap, and booking a commercial wasn't the only way of easing the constant financial pressure I feel...but if I'm ever gonna get there - by say, breaking into movies or getting a series regular gig - I'm not there yet.

I want this to be a career, and whatever strides I've made, this is still not feeling like much of a career.

I need more; I need more because I have to make more money, and I need more because just "being on tv" is not enough for me as an actor - I want to actually do something.

We didn't speak/communicate for the better part of a week (And for all I knew, we were all done - He went off, I told him he needed to work on his "anger issues", and he decided the easiest way to do that was to cut out the thing in his life that was making him angry - Yours Truly).

For a time, I thought "Maybe it's for the best" - It was the second time Tony had basically "taken his ball and gone home" when it came to the two of us, and I was pretty pissed-off about it (You know- foster child, "abandonment issues", all that stuff?).

But when I got over being "pissed-off" (And feeling pissed-on), I just felt sad and empty and frustrated with the both of us - Frustrated as in, "Seriously? We meet each other in middle-age, spend a week together, and are ready to call the whole 'having a brother' thing off within a month? WTF?"

Then I called him, leaving a message saying I "wanted to be brothers" and suggesting we not be "friends" on Facebook (Since we didn't seem able to handle it, even after agreeing not to comment on the other person's political posts).

He called me back within minutes, and we had a great conversation (Partly about the issue at hand, and partly just two brothers talking about stuff).

I'm sure I've said it before - This is a "strange new world" for both of us. And while we differ in our political views, one thing we unfortunately both have in common is a thin-skin and a prodigious temper.

But happily, the similarity in temper seemingly extends to feeling really stupid and sorry when you cool down.

So anyway, that's where we're at right now.

And if I may be permitted a rare moment of optimism, I think we're going to be okay.

As I told Tony on the phone, while we've had our dust-ups since I've been back in LA, I keep going back to the week I spent at his place in WV, and how we spent days together, staying up late and watching tv and talking/arguing a lot...and when I left, we liked each other as much - if not more - than when I got there (I shouldn't maybe speak for him, but that's how I felt. And the last thing he said when he dropped me off at the airport was "You've got a family now").

So I know when we actually talk to each other, we're all right.

So we just have to keep talking to each other.

But as I've said before, I'm trying to get out of the habit of taking days to write an entry (Particularly since my computer has started crashing on a semi-regular basis lately, and I've lost more than one entry that way).

Besides, the last thing I specifically wanted to write about was my struggle with Weight Watchers (I am, and have been, "over-goal" for months now), and I'm still going to be a fat sack of crap tomorrow, so it can wait till next time.

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