1:09 pm - Tues 7.20.2010
Biding My Time (While Biting My Lip)

So...

Didn't go to group last night, partly because I don't have my bike - it's in the shop - and partly because I just didn't want to.

Would have been a pain-in-the-ass to go, involving some combo of Metro-riding and walking (since I don't drive at night unless I absolutely have to). But be that as it may, I would have gone had I felt sufficiently motivated...but I didn't. I've run hot and cold on group for awhile now, and lately, the gauge has felt stuck on "frosty".

Called Lydia - the group leader - maybe mid-morning yesterday, to let her know I wouldn't be there and, since I got her machine, to ask her to call me (So we could have some more discussion about my future - or lack of a future - in the group).

Haven't heard back from her yet.

Basically, I'm in a similar spot as with improv at one point - not enjoying it, not feeling like I'm getting much from it but anxiety and upset, but still uncomfortable with being a "quitter" (Cause, I don't know, maybe some big "breakthrough" is right-around-the-corner?).

So anyway, there's that.

Still feeling tired, bored, lonely, anxious, depressed, etc; it's not fun, but it's not-the-end-of-the-world either.

(Maybe that's because I recently considered an actual "End Of The World" scenario - prompted by recent comments some people made on Facebook about the BP oil spill - which put feeling "bored and lonesome" into perspective. Besides, "this isn't my first time at the rodeo"; I've felt like this often enough that I know it ain't gonna kill me...at least not yet.)

There isn't much in the way of positive, upbeat "news" to report...

Getting back into weight-losing mode; I've been at the top of my "healthy weight range" - or beyond - for the past number of months.

For the record, currently the "top of my range" is 195 lbs, which is my "goal weight", and you're supposed to weigh in within at least 2 lbs of your goal weight; I missed it in June, for the first time since I made "Lifetime" (I was 200 lbs), and after getting down to 195 and change at the beginning of this month, I'm currently back up around 200 lbs.

When I was losing, I got down to as low as 181 lbs, which I think is actually too low, but I also don't want to be in the position I'm in now, which is to have the "top of my range" be a number I'm struggling to reach every month.

...which is why I'm considering, when I have a physical on Thursday, asking Dr. W to write me a note (Cause your "goal weight" can be a weight over WW's "healthy weight range"...if you have a doctor's note).

Feels like a bit of a cheat, somehow, but I'm thinking about it.

I keep wanting my life/mood to not depend on whether I'm auditioning/booking acting gigs...but under the circumstances, it's hard to see how that's ever going to not be the case - the danger of trying to "do what you love" for a living is that, when you're not doing it, you're then missing out in two departments - I'm counting on acting for business and pleasure, and it's currently providing neither.

People I know are going out - a character actor I know just booked on a show called Melissa and Joey, I think it's called, on the ABC Family Channel - so things are happening...just not for me.

Not yet, anyway.

It's hard, when things are happening for other people but not for you, to "bide your time", to know that you've had auditions before (And booked before), and there will be auditions (And bookings) again.

My time will come.

But when?

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