11:16 PM - Fri 1.23.15
Bite-Sized

Haven't given myself much time to do anything but start on this, but "starting is starting", right?

Anyway...

Earlier today, I talked with my manager on the phone about the current state of my career (Which is, basically, not going the way I would like) - I'm not sure it changed much of anything, but maybe?

After that, I spent about a half-hour doing an electronic time-sheet for WW, catching up on the "personal coaching" prep and actual sessions I did this past week.

(This might sound like basic stuff to some of you - doing a time-sheet in order to get paid for the work you've done - but it represents a needed "attitude adjustment" for Yours Truly. I've tended to be resistant to billing WW for the little things I do outside of meetings - both because it feels like I'm "nickle-and-diming" WW, and because it feels "not worth bothering with" - but clearly, circumstances have changed, in more than one respect.)

When I finished these two things - talking with Brett and doing my timesheet - I actually "checked in with myself" emotionally, because I wrestle with perpetual guilt over "not getting shit done", and this seemed like me actually "getting some shit done", so I was expecting to feel at least a little good about myself.

Nope.

Nothing...except a vague sense of guilt that I was "not getting enough shit done".

But I'd done laundry the day before, I'd done dishes, I'd taken out the trash, and I didn't know exactly what the haranguing voice in my head wanted me to do next.

So I went for a walk.

Which actually is something on my "to do" list for 2015 ("Move more", as part of my goal to "Be less of a fat load"), and which basically completed a "mission" from a few days before; I'd told myself I was going to walk downtown, and check out the relatively-new "Citi" Target at 6th and Figueroa.

I had a fistful of gift-certificates, so I could shop if I wanted to, and I have a Starbucks travel mug that allows me to get free coffee through January, so I used those as "incentives" to get myself there; I could walk there, maybe buy something "fun", take a coffee break, then walk back.

Only "there" wasn't there; it was more of a walk than I'd remembered (It's been quite awhile since I've ventured downtown, and I lived maybe five blocks closer then), and when I got to 6th and Figueroa, there was no Target.

It was actually at 8th and Figueroa, which I didn't see until I was heading back home in weary defeat (At that point, I was like "Fuck it - I'll do it some other time...").

So today was my "do-over".

Got off the phone a short time ago with my sixth "personal coaching" member.

It's interesting - As I reminded myself on Facebook (I posted about still getting nervous before a session), it's not about me ("I'm not on stage"), it's about them...but since I need to respect their confidentiality, it basically will be "all bout me" in here.

I'm so good at being neurotic, I've transitioned smoothly from worrying about whether I was "up to the task" (I think I'm more "up to the task" than I'd imagined, and will get better over time), to worrying about being too successful, and being overwhelmed by the need to keep appointments and members and such organized (I don't think of myself as "Organized Guy").

But we aren't there yet - At this point, I'm just trying to "figure things out", hoping enough of this will happen to actually "make a difference" (Though again, with what I'm getting paid, it's hard to see this paying off financially, to any meaningful degree. But I'm trying my best to put that line-of-thought on the back-burner, and telling myself "At this point, 'a drop in the bucket' is better than nothing").

(Facebook seems to be offline, and has been for the past, maybe ten minutes or so...and I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I'm feeling some anxiety about the whole thing. But anyway...)

I've enjoyed talking to the people so far, and even if, on some level, my "Inner Eeyore" is saying, "It's not going to make any difference..." in terms of staying afloat, and even if I sometimes feel "imposed upon" a little bit, I actually do feel better doing it, as opposed to not doing it - At the very least, it can't be said I'm "not doing anything" to address my money situation.

That's something that struck me a couple days ago - I rake myself over the coals when things get tight financially, because even then, I flat-out, desperately don't want to have to get a new job (Or, more likely, a second job...which would really be a third job, after Acting).

(The whole "Work Thing" is so complicated for me I've been very seriously considering giving it an entry all of its own.)

I berate myself for my resistance to taking action (In general, really, but particularly in this situation)...but I did take action in this case.

This is really not something I wanted to do, for various reasons, and to be honest, would still prefer not to do, enjoyable interactions aside (What can I say? I would like acting to be paying the bills, and for my time at home to just be "Jim Time"). But I signed up anyway, went through the however-many-hours of training, and the anxiety involved in "doing something new", and even if it's not going to generate the money I wish it would, it still constitutes me "doing something" to try and generate more income.

Speaking of "income"...

Got my check for appearing in the "Previously on Shameless" reel in the first episode of the season.

$911...which became $593 after taxes and my agents'commission...which became $446 after my manager's commission and a payment toward back-commissions I owe him.

The giant bite that went to everyone else is pretty depressing and discouraging, I have to be honest.

But that said, $446 is more than I ever make in two weeks at WW, and it's for a day's work that's already paid off to the tune of a couple thousand dollars.

And for all I know, it could be the money that gets me from where I'm at to the next national commercial or great guest-star gig or what-have-you.

(Though for that to happen, I'd have to start getting some god-damned auditions...!)

I keep wanting something to happen that "makes everything all better" for good.

Because I'd like the pain and pressure and constant anxiety to stop. I'd like to feel what life is like when you don't have to worry about money.

But at this point, I think I just need to appreciate the odd personal coaching gig here, and the odd acting check there, that allow me to "fight another day", till everyone catches on to what a singular talent I am.

Or till I die, alone and unloved.

Whichever.

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