11:13 pm - Thurs 3.08.2013
Always The Bridesmaid

Well, turns out I was a tad premature when I wrote in my last entry, regarding my recent audition fortunes, "now there's no Lab Rats, no commercial (not even an "avail"), nothing but rising panic over my worsening financial situation".

There's still no Lab Rats, but the panic has temporarily leveled out...and I actually did get an "avail" for the commercial.

The audition was late Monday, and I - just barely - got word from JS shortly before noon yesterday (I was at WW in Santa Monica, and my cell reception sucks there).

So that just adds extra "ommmph!" to the "clearly something's going right in the audition room" sentiment expressed in that last entry.

Dammit, "avails" used to be so exciting...

I desperately want to believe it's actually taking them this long to decide between me and some other ugly bastard for the role (and, ultimately, I'm going to win out).

But I don't believe that.

It just feels obvious they've cast their guy, and it ain't Yours Truly - I'm the "back-up".

I hope I'm wrong.

But I'm probably not.

Fri 3/8/13 (9:14 pm)

...and indeed I was not wrong; got word from JS a couple hours ago that I was not cast.

Well, under the heading of "Pessimism Is Our Friend" - I'm disappointed it's officially not happening, but not devastated, because I already figured it wasn't.

Can you imagine where I'd be right now if I'd genuinely thought this was the thing that was gonna save me...and then it fell through?

So, no national commercial for Jim, at least not right this moment.

It's amazing that, even doing it online, where all you have to do, for the most part, is input numbers, it still took me from midmorning till around 4:30.

On the basis of nothing but wishful thinking (And maybe a vague memory of last year's return?), I'd hoped I'd maybe get $1000 or more back as a refund, but in spite of thousands of dollars in deductions - commissions, union dues, mileage, health insurance, etc - I'm only getting about $550 between State and Federal.

(Talked to my brother Tony earlier this evening, and he said he got thousands more back when he took his taxes to an accountant after having done Turbo-Tax for years. It definitely made me think that might be the way to go next year.)

So anyway, that's some money coming in (And probably sooner than any of my outstanding acting "receivables"); it doesn't feel like enough, but "better than a poke in the eye", as they say.

And at WW today, Lynn K. told me about the Jewish Free Loan Association, who give interest-free loans out to people - Jew and Gentile alike - who are in need of one sort or another.

And if need be, I can apply for food stamps (I did once, years back, and was eligible for a month or two, before a big acting check came in - embarrassing, but if it's the difference eating or going hungry, I can deal).

The takeaway here is that I don't have to freak out. One way or the other, I'll get by.

...but I have to admit, I have a REAllY strong preference for the way I "get by" to be by booking a bunch of great acting jobs.

My weight was 215.2 lbs, which is not good - my "goal weight" is 200 lbs, and to be "at goal", I'm supposed to be within two lbs of that weight - but, relatively speaking, it could have been worse.

There was reason to feel hopeful; 215.2 lbs is three lbs less than my weigh-in last month, and it's the first time I've lost from one month to the next since October.

So clearly, it has helped to go back to meetings.

But I still have to up my exercise, and deal with the biggest issue I have, which is the overnight eating (I eat so much overnight, that I typically have little or no points left by the time I get up in the morning).

I have to either, 1) Not eat overnight, or 2) If I can't get control of that somehow, eat less during the evening (I start my "eating day" at 6 pm).

I don't feel good about being over my goal, and busting out of my pants, and only wearing shirts I don't have to tuck in.

I mean, I work at Weight Watchers, for God's sakes!

I'm feeling discouraged that, years down the road, I'm still wrestling with eating as a compulsion.

But I can "rein it in" - three losses in the last four weigh-ins, And the lowest "official" weight I've been at in awhile are proof that I can move things in the right directions when I'm motivated enough.

Part of why I'm unhappy in general right now is it feels like there's too much out of my control...but this is not one of those things.

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