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12:09 am - Wed 5/22/02 Mon 5/20/02 Just a couple minutes before I have to leave for work... Well, I'm moving slow as molasses on this, but I'm finally about to set myself up with a CPAP machine again (For the uninitiated, "CPAP" stands for "continuous positive airway pressure". It's a machine to help sleep apnea sufferers breathe at night). I called the company that does the test--I need to be "re-tested"--and set up an appointment for this Thursday (Basically, they come and show you how to set up the equipment, come by the next day to pick it up, and then if you test positive for sleep apnea, come by the following week to set you up with the CPAP stuff). I'm happy the test can be done at home. That appeals to the lazy guy in me, and it just logically seems to make more sense; After all, where are you going to get a more accurate idea of how I sleep, at home in my own bed, or in some strange bed? Anyway, intellectually, I know I'm doing the right thing, something positive for myself, but I still feel depressed and anxious about it. But that doesn't matter right now. The point is, I did something. And I have to believe that I can work this chronic problem out. I've not been successful up to now, but there's no way I can just give up on this like I've done. I can't go through the rest of my life--A life this problem might very well shorten--in a depressed fog most of the time (As I often joke, "If I were awake--and had a good set of cheekbones--I could RULE THE WORLD!"). (END) When I woke up yesterday morning, one of the very first things that popped into my mind was "Yay! The 'Buffy' finale is this evening!". I was very excited, and had a hard time not seeing the entire day as a rather long lead-up to the show (Particularly since my work days have been dull in the extreme for the past number of days). I made sure I set my VCR, and went off to work--I worked 12-8:30--secure in the knowledge that when I came home, I'd have an evening of quality programming awaiting me (I also taped the NYPD Blue finale). Guess who didn't get the memo that "Buffy" was two hours tonite? (I got as far as Giles's dramatic appearance. Which means nothing if you don't follow the show, but was a very big moment. Trust me on this). D'oh! If anyone out there reading this is a "Buffy" fan, and happened to tape the episode, could you e-mail me? It's just killing me that I screwed this up (This was, on the whole, the worst season of "Buffy" since the show began, but the last couple episodes were back-on-track in a big way, and I'd been looking forward to this final episode for weeks). ANYWAY... Had a great chat with Jane yesterday morning, centered around my journal entry about being a "failed perfectionist". (It's gotten late here. I'm fading fast...) I want to regain more of a sense of fun. Nothing is that much fun for me these days, in part, because of this fear of getting things wrong. I think about all the things I know how to do, all the things I've learned through the course of my life so far, then I wonder, "At what point did I become so fearful? When did it become a crime for me to try things and not succeed? To try, and not be great at whatever-it-is right off?". I'm bored and I'm stagnant. And I don't like it. And it doesn't have to be this way. I don't have to even do anything differently. It's not about "doing", as much as I might think otherwise. It's about a change in attitude. Tired of beating myself up. If it was a method that was going to work, it would have worked by now (If kicking my own ass was the key to accomplishment, I'd be "Ruler Of The Universe" at this moment) I'm not going to get to a happy place by making myself unhappy all the time. That's been a big contradiction in my life much of the time. I just need to get some sleep. I need some energy, I need to care about myself, to take care of myself, and to appreciate what I have instead of obsessing over what I have not. But I'll have to take this up again a little later this morning. I'm tired and then some...
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