4:16 am - Friday, Oct. 07, 2005
(I said to the people on my "Notify List" that I wasn't going to make my next entry about "money problems", and I'm not, but I do need to say this--A check from Cary and Kay came in last Saturday's mail, for much more than I'd asked for. So bills are paid, food has been bought, and you won't hear me cry about money too much for at least the rest of the year.
Unlike Ringo, I get by with a lot of help from my friends...)
"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." Seneca
You said it, Brother...
I don't want to believe that I've waited too long, that it's too late to make something really good happen, that I missed my opportunity.
I don't want to die a loser.
David Denby, reviewing The 40 Year Old Virgin:
The only thing a 40-year-old virgin needs more than sex is to be left alone. That's why he's still a virgin.
Interesting point--It's certainly got this "44-Year-Old-Might-As-WELL-Be-A-Virgin" thinking...
How to know when you've been effectively neutered: The girl you like starts telling you about the boys she likes.
I am obsessed with my aloneness/loneliness. It's why I can't seem to take pleasure in solitary pursuits. I can't get past the fact that I'm doing whatever I'm doing by myself.
But since I seem destined to be alone, I'm gonna have to get over that somehow...
(Back in Lansing) I didn't like pursuing my art "on the side". That was partially because of my sleep apnea; by the time I finished my working day, I was too worn out to "give my all" where I most wanted my "all" to go.
Now, ironically, I'm barely "doing my art" at all...
I don't like being bored, but I would rather be bored than "stressed" any day of the week...which probably goes a long way towards explaining my lack of progress in life.
When I'm "stressed", it feels like I'm failing. And I don't like to feel like I'm failing.
Being poor makes it hard to accept "the natural order of things".
"Things fall apart", for example, and that's just the way it goes.
But if you don't have any money, you can't afford to have "things fall apart". Then you feel angry and oppressed and ultimately defeated by something that's just "the way things are", something that's never going to change.
Rude things I think about:
1. Why do some homeless people stink so much worse than others? Cause there's really quite an impressive range, from merely "sour" to "corpse-like".
(And I think about how, if I were a homeless person--doesn't seem as far-fetched an idea as it used to--I'd be one of the ones that stink really bad; I shower every day, but it doesn't really last throughout the day, so how rank would I get if I were never able to shower?)
2. How do old people have sex?
I wonder about that when I think about how long it's been since I've had sex, how old and tired I feel even now, and how I was probably 50 lbs lighter when I last "did the deed" (And I doubt I was anything to write home about even then).
3. How do really fat people do anything?
Again, this comes mostly from me thinking about my own lack of energy and drive. I know a big part of that is "the sleep thing", but it's also, at least in part, the fact that I'm carring around sixty or seventy pounds more than I should.
So how in the world does someone who weighs 50, 75, 100 lbs more than I do, or more, manage to even get out of bed in the morning?
Something for the "Nice Things Happen To Jim" File: A nice middle-aged lesbian couple, Joanie and Maggie, bought me a Moleskine journal after I waited on them at the bookstore recently (Joanie got one out of her purse at one point, and since I'm a Moleskine fan, we bonded over how much we really like them; then when they went downstairs, they bought one for me, and had one of my coworkers bring it up to where I was in Multimedia, with a note thanking me for my good service).
One of the nicer things that's happened to me at the store.
I'm not sure why I think about this as much as I do, but I often think about TV theme music that promised a level of excitement the tv show itself would never have been able to deliver.
1. The Lone Ranger Theme (aka "The Willaim Tell Overture")
2. The Green Hornet Theme (aka "Flight of the Bumblebee")
3. The Hawaii 5-0 Theme.
I remember sometimes watching the opening credits of "Hawaii 5-0" because of the theme music--and the shot of the hula girl--then turning the tv off and doing something else, cause the show was boring.
When I first came out to LA, I assumed every other girl would look like Jessica Simpson or Kate Bosworth.
They don't, really.
When I think of Christianity, I always wonder why the very worst element of it is winning.
A quote from Bill Moyers:
The corporate, political, and religious conservatives are acheiving a vast transformation of America that only they understand because they are its advocates, its architects, and its beneficiaries.
(The quote actually went on--saying basically that those same elements were dismantling the governments ability to do anything but aid the rich and wage war--but I ran out of time to get it all down while I was at work.)
I think I lay way too much at the feet of my "laziness" or "moral failings" or what-have-you, and not nearly enough at the feet of a beast called "obstructive sleep apnea".
I wonder why? I wonder why it's so much easier for me to just rip on myself for being "lazy" than to say, basically, "I have a medical problem"?
Is it just me, or is the fact that Disney has now licensed "Old Yeller Dog Food" kinda weird?
I looked at a bag of the stuff the last time I was at the grocery store, and was surprised they didn't have a picture of a rabid dog that was going to have to be "put down".
What's next? "Cujo Dog Biscuits"?
I used to think muscles would change my "look". And maybe they would, but it seems to me like your "look" is mostly determined by your face: If you look like a "dork" and work out, you'll just end up looking like a buff "dork".
There is something wrong with me.
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