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9:22 am - Mon 6.15.2009
Case File (Pt III)

The Case File (Pt 3)

(Giving myself an hour to write this entry - I don't think I've ever timed my journal writing before, so it'll be interesting to see what, if anything, happens...)

I'm still spending a lot of time "in my head" with the case file stuff, but am having a hard time figuring out how I feel/what I want to say about it.

One thing that keeps popping into my head is anger/frustration with that psychologist, the one that told Mrs DeHaven he didn't need to see me (I was, I believe, about three years old at the time, and "mentally slow", according to reports) - She was "clearly" doing everything she could, so he didn't need to see me till I was closer to school age (the italics are mine).

The bitter irony? When a (different) psychologist finally did visit the home, actually talking to me and administering some tests, he ended up ripping on Mrs DeHaven - in his report, anyway - for the lack of "stimulation" in the home.

(I don't blame Mrs DeHaven in this scenario - She went to the psychologist in the first place to get help for me. While she clearly took amazing physical care of me early on, she wasn't, to my knowledge, a trained professional in child care, particularly with a child as messed up as I was.)

Yes, it's ancient history, 45 years past, and I imagine the "standard of care" was different back then than it is now - I certainly hope so, in any case! - but be that as it may, it's hard for me to get past how badly I was screwed over, by one guy, in one moment - This guy, by his inaction, practically assured I wouldn't be adopted, and that I'd get off to the worst possible start in school.

(When I got to school age, the debate - between Mrs DeHaven and social services - then became whether I could go to a regular school, which was what Mrs D. wanted for me, or whether I needed to go to a "special school", which is what happened.)

But what can you do? It's done. About all I can hope for, at this point, is that karma put a serious smack-down on this guy's ass at some point, for the serious wrong he did me.

One positive aspect of reading the case file? It pretty much swept away any ancient notions I had of being "bad", of being somehow responsible for what happened to me "back then" (Which I've always thought was a child's effort to make sense of what otherwise couldn't possibly make sense).

I was a child. And I just had the misfortune to be born to the wrong woman, at the wrong time, in the wrong place.

I wish things had gone better for me. But the fact that they didn't has nothing to do with me, and it never did - It really was, as they say, just "the luck of the draw".

I did the best I could. I adapted the best I was able.

And I survived.

(And my hour is up. I'm not done with this...but I'm done for now.)


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