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9:25 am - Sat 6/08/02 I think a big problem of mine is that I treat my feelings like causes, when they're really not; They're symptoms. And I think I think too much. ____________________________________________________________________________ Talking to Cary about his script today--I finished it day before yesterday-- he brought up something he read in a William Goldman book (William Goldman is the screenwriter of Butch Cassidy, amongst many others, in addition to being the author of a number of books about the movie business, the best known being Adventures in the Screen Trade); Goldman said he often has young screenwriters ask him for his opinion about a screenplay they're writing. If the young screenwriter, when getting his feedback, takes notes, and listens, he thinks that's a very positive sign, but if he starts explaining, telling Goldman why he did this or that thing, Goldman says he basically just shuts down and tells the screenwriter it's "great", because the screenwriter obviously doesn't really want to hear what he has to say anyway. (I liked Cary's screenplay, by the way. A lightweight action/comedy/romance thing that I could definitely see on "the big screen". I don't think Cary is the best writer of dialogue there's ever been, but I enjoyed the story, to the point where I was anxious to know what was going to happen next) ____________________________________________________________________________ We've gotten a new self-help book in the bookstore, called Anyway. The message of the book, in a nutshell, is "You won't always get an external reward for doing the right thing...but do the right thing anyway." Interesting idea... _____________________________________________________________________________ Kevin Smith (The director/screenwriter of two of my favorite films, Clerks and Chasing Amy) came into the bookstore recently. I was surprised, and a little disappointed with myself, when I realized I was happy to see he's going bald (And if you were wondering, no, I didn't introduce myself and ask to be in his next movie. I sure thought about it, though). I'm disappointed I'm that petty, and surprised because I think he seems like a pretty cool guy, and there's nothing for me to gain by the fact he's going bald. _____________________________________________________________________________ I know I'm not the first person to pose this question, but how come black guys look cool when they shave their heads, while white guys, by and large, look like chemo patients or serial killers? _____________________________________________________________________________ In my experience, people will tell you when they like something you did, something you're wearing, etc., but they typically won't tell you when they don't like something you did, something you're wearing, etc (An example? When I shaved my head, the people who liked it complimented me, while the people who didn't like it didn't say anything...until I started to grow my hair back). So in my mind, silence implies disapproval...though of course, it could also imply indifference ( It's hard to imagine--someone being "indifferent" about moi---but I suppose it could happen). _____________________________________________________________________________ Went to the Doctor yesterday. He drew blood, had me pee in a cup, and checked out "the goods" while I described the discomfort I've been feeling of late, and asked him some questions about the equipment that he seemed almost as uncomfortable with as I did. Now, I've had a feeling this Doctor maybe didn't graduate at the top of his class in med school, but the fact that he didn't commit to it being a hernia means either A) He's too imcompetent to diagnose a hernia, which means I'll be getting a new doctor soon, or, B) Even though the discomfort I've been feeling feels exactly like the discomfort I felt the last time I had a hernia, I've instead got some new, potentially scarier problem. So anyway, I'll be getting a test for blood sugar, some relatively new test for "latent" diabetes (What the hell is that?), and my very first PSA (A prostate cancer test. Haven't had the first, more "up close and personal" one just yet). Regarding the hernia/whatever-it-is, I guess it's off to the surgeon (The doctor also mentioned a "testicular ultrasound", a prospect that amuses and horrifies me at the same time). Again, I'm annoyed that I didn't leave the doctor's office yesterday knowing what's going on, but it's not as if I wasn't going to end up at the specialist's office anyway (Today's doc was Dr Azizi, an MD). (END) I've woken up this morning feeling kind of bad, which is making me think again about the way I focus on my feelings, and how easy that is to do. But being upset because I feel bad isn't going to help me. The feeling is just a symptom, so I think we can just dispense with it, or get past it, or whatever, and move on to why I might be feeling bad. Some theories... 1. I've woken up feeling tired and grumpy because it wasn't a good nite for sleeping (On the positive side though, I have, on at least one or two occasions now, had the presence of mind to put the CPAP back on when I've woken up early in the morning with it off. Today I put it back on, then took it off again, but it's a start). 2. I'm anxious about the blood tests, and anxious/upset the hernia wasn't dianosed, and feeling the sense I've felt lately of everything out here taking forever to get done. When I finally "take the bull by the horns" in a situation, I want things to move quickly after that, but I can't really think of a case where that's happened out here. 3. For the past two weeks, I've had something I had to do on Thursday, but I still could've called Cenex for extra work on Friday, and didn't. It's been hard to fall into a regular habit of doing that when hours shift and change, and hard to get past my resistance to "working" on a day off, but I have to get past all that. I need the money, and the experience, and it's about the only way I can see that I'm going to get a SAG card at this point (I think one thing that's causing the resistance is my first/last experience; After the initial novelty, it was painfully boring, and boredom is my enemy). 4. I didn't see a movie on my "weekend", didn't go to Target, and didn't see a play. This troubles me, because it's not even hard stuff. On the contrary, it's stuff I would enjoy; It's just stuff where I might have to make a little extra effort to get from "here" to "there" (I've seen the movies I want to see in my immediate vicinity, the Target thing--I have that gift certificate from Kay and Cary--would necessitate driving to wherever the nearest Target is, and seeing a play would be a little pricey, and involve my driving at a time when I would have a hard time finding a parking spot at home afterwards. 5. I didn't have my bike for most of this weekend. The back tire started wobbling again recently, and I had to take it in to have a bunch of spokes replaced. It was kind of funny, really; The guy replaced them for free--I've had lots of problems with this back wheel--but somehow in the process punctured my front tire, and charged me for that. I found myself wanting to say "You popped the tire, so why don't you pay for it?", but decided that since he'd fixed my bike for free last time, and put a bunch of spokes in for free this time, I should probably keep my mouth shut. 6. I'm feeling guilty because I could have/should have gone grocery shopping before now--I've had nothing in the house--but I didn't. Instead, I've gone out to eat every day, which is too expensive and, for me anyway, too unhealthy. 7. Even though on some level I'm somewhat starved for human contact, I'm not anxious to go back to work (Again, the resistance to work is not that it's hard--it hardly ever is--but that it's been really, really boring. 8. Got a notice that my rent will be going up $20 a month in August. I just wrote that list without having to pause at all for thought (Except for #8, which I added afterwards). Fatigue, guilt, frustration, resistance to doing what needs to be done. Boredom. I can't help the "fatigue" part, and I've taken steps to try to help myself on that front. There's no point in being "guilty" about anything this "weekend", because it's over now anyway. And I might be "frustrated" about the slow process of things--How long it's taking me to get anything done out here (From car stuff to health stuff to headshot stuff)--but the fact is, I am trying to get things done (Yesterday, I called the insurance place to see what the holdup in getting my policy was. They sent out some kind of card in yesterday's mail that will be good at the DMV for "proof-of-insurance"). Some frustration is understandable, but it's not something to get down on myself about. The "resistance" stuff I need to work on. And that might be a tough nut to crack, because the trouble with things I don't want to do, or am resistant to doing, is that I'm resistant to doing them for a reason. Oftentimes, there's an immediate reward for not doing something (Free time, not being bored or frustrated or what-have-you), while the reward for getting something done can be a little more vague. But I need to be a lot more about doing, and not nearly so much about crying about my "feelings". And on that note, it's off to the grocery store...
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