4:34 pm - Mon 4.27.2009
Capital A \"Anxiety\"

To give you an idea of "where my head's at" these days, my current FB status is, "feeling a rising tide of free-floating anxiety".

But that's not really accurate - I'm not experiencing "free-floating" anxiety; I'm experiencing plain old, industrial-strength, capital-A "Anxiety".

"Why", you ask?

Went grocery shopping earlier today...

Had a few bucks left on my food stamp card, so I killed that, and put the rest on my debit card.

So that's it - I'm "off the dole" as of this week, after two-plus months of food-stamp eligibility.

While that's as it should be, paying for the bulk of my groceries with my own money today made me feel the ticking of my financial clock; I really want/need for something to happen, acting-wise, because even though I'm "okay" for now, and have money to pay for at least the next three or four months of my sorry existence, I'd strongly prefer things not get "down to the wire" like they were threatening to last time (Before Margaret C. and a series of residual checks came riding to my rescue).

I'd hoped the bulk of my Level I class was going to stay together - It's easier to improvise with people you've gotten to know over a period of time (And the teacher said this was a particularly sharp class) - but "the bulk of my Level I class" actually migrated to Thursday night for Level II (Which I can't do, because I work a Thursday night WW meeting).

So it's a new teacher, and mostly new students, with the added wrinkle that (I believe) we have to start performing now - signing up for "teams", putting our names up for "The Lottery" and "cage matches", etc.

But I had two weeks towards the end of Level I where, if I didn't feel like I'd dazzled anyone, at least I didn't want to kill myself afterwards...so I have to believe there's hope for me yet.

But I'm feeling anxious. And I'm still not used to feeling this much anxiety in an acting/performing/comedic environment.

I don't like it.

It's mostly about (say it along with me) money.

If I read the financial aid stuff correctly, you're technically only eligible if you're either A. Working towards a degree, and/or B. Transferring to another school (Like a 4 year college).

I'm not doing that - I don't want to do that. And I'm afraid I'm not going to get any help, and what seemed like a good idea is going to become another thing to feel anxious and upset about (Meaning: If I can't get financial aid, do I close my eyes and pull out a credit card, or move on, and look for other ways to make acting the "centerpiece of my life"?).

What I want is basically "vocational training" (I want to take classes, so I can be a better actor, so I can get work), so I guess the next thing I need to do is go to the financial aid office and find out if they have any programs like that.

(When I filled out the financial aid stuff originally, I was intrigued that they actually ask if you are, or have ever been, in the foster care system; I'm guessing there are special programs/scholarships to help kids in foster care "transition" to adult life after foster care. Clearly, I'm a little old for "transitioning into adult life after foster care", but if I can get in on a technicality, I'll take it.)

I don't really "get it", exactly (Or at all, really), but a woman I knew back in Lansing is here in LA now, and seems to be interested in Yours Truly.

("Seems to be interested" meaning "she recently sent me a picture of her very impressive boobs".)

Not to get ahead of myself, but it does seem as if s...e...x is a distinct possibility.

Which is very exciting...and very terrifying.

All the reasons sex/relating were always a challenge for me are coming back, layered-over with the biggest anxiety of all - performance anxiety - since I haven't had s...e...x in about 15 years.

But for now...it's nap time.

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