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11:09 pm - Mon 01.18.2010 I am afraid. I don't mean something is causing me to be afraid right now, I mean that "fear" is, in my mind, one of my defining characteristics. I often think of myself as "worrying" a lot, or being "anxious". And I do worry a lot, and I am an anxious guy - No two ways about it. But I'm realizing that to say "I'm a worrier" or "I'm an anxious guy" doesn't say much, because we're talking about symptoms here. (You might think "worry" and "anxiety" are synonyms, but I'd define "worry" as having specific concerns about a particular situation, while "anxiety" is a more generalized "dis-ease".) Underneath all that worry, all that anxiety about pretty much everything, is one overriding fear: I am not strong enough. I am a very smart, talented, warm-hearted guy...who can't shake the feeling that he's "weak", that he "can't deal". I worry as much as I do, I'm as anxious as I am, and have "kept myself down" like I have because, in my heart of hearts, I don't think I'm "up to the challenge"...whatever the challenge may be. And one "challenge" I don't seem to think I'm up to is dealing with my own tempestuous emotions...which is why I avoid situations that might make me feel those "tempestuous emotions". But it's gotten (relatively) late, and I have to work an early Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow, so "Chicken Little" here is going to bed. But trust me - I'm nowhere near done with this...
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