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10:45 AM - Mon 6.13.16
A Crazy Thing I Did One Time...Then One More Time After That

A Crazy Thing I Did One Time...Then One More Time After That

If things are going as scheduled, my brother Gregg went into his surgery about 10 minutes ago (Note: I originally started this entry at 8:30).

He'd gone through chemo for his lymphoma, was pronounced "cancer-free", and was celebrating for what seemed like about two weeks, when he was told during a checkup that something by his thyroid - a "lump" or "shadow", something they'd dismissed as "probably nothing" (because it usually isn't anything) - was actually a carcinoma.

When Gregg told me about this, it was another of those times where I didn't really know what to do with the information emotionally.

So, after expressing my unhappiness about this turn-of-events, I joked how it was a little selfish of him to have all the cancer, and that he really "should save some for someone else".

I've checked-in with him a couple times, and messaged him yesterday with good wishes about today (If things are going as scheduled, he's most of the way through his thyroid-ectomy. I just texted him hoping things went well).


Some time back, heard a rumor that Shameless might be starting production on Season 7 earlier than normal this year (Mike C., an extra on the show, was working with some of the Shameless production guys on another show, and they gave him the scoop).

And sure enough, the rumors were true - The show's starting up production this month, when it typically doesn't start till mid-July at the earliest.

Since my career hasn't exactly been on fire in the first half of the year - the KFC bit's been it so far - the opportunity to work really couldn't come soon enough.

But it did put a damper on my "vacation plans", which involved going to West Virginia to meet Chuck (My oldest brother), his kids, and their kids, not to mention seeing Tony and Lori and their kids.

...and of course, dear old Mom (More on her in a moment).

The plan had been to leave on the 30th, and come back on July 5th. It wasn't really convenient for anyone but me - My niece Brittany's husband is a house painter and Tony supervises concrete projects, which means Summer is their "busy season" - and sure enough, right as I was hearing the rumors about an early start to the season, Tony communicated with me that he's supervising a couple projects that mean he's working six days a week and on holidays, with no immediate end in sight.

So, even if I could clear it with Shameless the vacation is a no-go (I'm thinking it could theoretically happen in December, but we shall see).

Which means the big letter I'd been procrastinating on sending to my Mom, but finally did a few weeks ago, is kinda-sorta moot, at least in one regard - I'd expressed my desire that she attend the "family union" that was being planned on the 3rd, which is now not happening.

But I also said she should tell Chuck who his father is - or tell him she doesn't know if she doesn't know - because "It troubles him", told her I thought she should meet with his kids (and meet her great-grandkids), because I thought "It would be good for everybody", and expressed "regret" that she'd been so "secretive" about her past, because "I think it would have been nice if me and my brothers had actually gotten to be brothers over the years".

It felt like a big deal, in the lead-up and the actual writing, to say those things.

But since then, as I told my therapist, "It feels like I might as well have crumpled up the letter and thrown it down a well" (He tried, without success, to get me to see it as a good thing, more meaningful than just "venting", even if I don't get the response I want, or get no response at all. But I have a mindset of "If it's not going to change anything, why am I bothering?").

It'll be interesting, if/when she does write me, to see if she addresses it - and if she does, how - or whether I just get the typical "old lady letter" about her dogs and what she likes to watch on TV.


Well, as you might imagine, the events of Memorial Day are still very much in my thoughts.

And not just the actual event, but the fact that I wrote about it in such explicit detail - When I sat down to write the entry, I really didn't know how I was going to handle things (Joking with my friend Tom after-the-fact that I thought I might just get to us walking into the hotel room, then "fade to black", like an old movie), so I was a little shocked with myself that I "went there".

But ultimately, I "went there" because I'm a writer - I don't get paid to write, but the fact is, if you identify yourself by what you do most often, I've done way more writing than acting over the years.

And if I'm a writer, and my main subject is "me", how do I not write honestly about something that's never happened to me before?

And I have to say, while not a lot of people responded to it - which is fair. I warned people about what I was going to write so they didn't have to engage with it if they didn't want to - I've gotten really supportive, interesting, and personal responses from people, which were very gratifying.

It seems if you're open about yourself with people, they feel invited to be open about themselves - And as a lifelong "lonely guy", I like that.

I don't know what it means for me going forward - Tom joked "You're the new Henry Miller...!", to which I responded, "I think I'd have to have an ongoing sex life for that to be the case!" - but I do feel like I "crossed a bridge" with that entry (Or "Opened Pandora's Box"), and I'm personally interested in seeing what happens now.

...but what's happening later today is that I'm seeing Ryan for the second-and-final time.

I think if the first time had gone perfectly, I would have been content to have it be "a crazy thing I did that one time" (I know you could argue that if the 1st time had been "amazing", instead of just "really fun", I might have found it addicting. But I went in knowing that, financially, this was something I shouldn't even be doing once, let alone making a habit of...and I've made a point of "living within my means" all my life, even if it's meant rarely going anywhere or doing anything).

But under the circumstances, I had to go back, because I want/need "the complete experience" - whether it's a moment of real intimacy or faux-intimacy or whatever-it-is, I want to have an orgasm with another person in the room (Because I literally do not know the last time that happened).

Last time, I was nervous, I had the condom issue, and I didn't quite know who I was in this strange context (if that makes any sense).

Tonight, I won't be nervous, I'll have the right condoms, and I'll have spent the past two weeks masturbating less frequently and intensely (And you know what? I'm kind of shocked by this, but it feels good not to masturbate so often. It feels nice to be kind of "tingly" with "sexual energy" much of the time).

And I'll have "the little blue pill" - It was not something that was on my radar, until someone responding to my post offered me some "Indian Viagra" (given to them by a gay friend), but after some trepidation ("Is this a door I want to go through?", I thought), I decided to go to the Doctor and get a prescription. I don't want to think it's a "crutch" I need at this point, but in this case, if it helps me have the experience I want to have, why not?

Anyway, that's happening this evening, and I'm looking forward to it.

Short of the hotel blowing up or something, I think it's going to be a great time.


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