2:23 PM - 06.19.14
If Dad Were Alive...

It's Fathers Day.

I never knew my father, but from what I've read, he could be "a lot of fun" when he wasn't being a drunk, spouse-abusing, family-abandoning piece-of-shit.

Which poses a conundrum - The guy wreaked havoc on a number of lives (Mine most definitely included), but without him, I wouldn't be alive (If you call this "living") - so...Happy Fathers Day?

Weds 6/18/14 (6:21 pm)

I don't remember what it was, but I came across something online today that reminded me of a fundamental fact of being me (And I wish I'd immediately ran to the computer to write about it instead of waiting till now) - Because I was essentially orphaned at a year old (Then "re-orphaned" at nine), because I went through most of my life having no relatives, because I've never created a family of my own, because any relationship I've had has felt, rightly or wrongly, contingent on my being continually lovable...or at least likable (Or else I ran the risk of losing it), I don't think I have the same sense of "belonging" in the world, and being "connected" to people, of being able to "be myself" with anyone, that your "average" person might.

Sun 6/22/14 (8:50 am)

Not sure why I stayed up so late last night - I knew I'd wake up early anyway, because that's what I do (And, when that happened, I knew my cat would not let me just go back to sleep, with his insistent yowling to be fed, because that's what he does...the needy little bastard)- but I stayed up late anyway.

So it goes.

As I think I've suggested, I've found this year "emotionally challenging" so far.

But recent happenings have brightened my outlook a bit...

The "new agent" thing is old news (I wondered aloud last night, "When are they going to stop being my 'new agents' and just be my 'agents'?"), but since nothing's really happened in the weeks since - this is typically a slow time of year - it hasn't quite felt "real".

Until now.

I have my first audition under the new administration on Tuesday (For the role of "Lawyer" in a Lifetime movie).

(The first thing they wanted me to come in for actually got cut from the script, but now I'm going in for a scene as a different lawyer.)

It's a nice little scene (I like the new one better than the original, because the first one was kind of comic...which is fine, but I'm looking to make some inroads into straight drama). It's not anything bigger/better than I've gotten before - it would be "a bit much" to expect them to get me a top-of-show guest-star or the like right out of the gate - but it "gets the ball rolling".

My agents have also asked for new headshots, judging the ones I currently have online as too "commercial" for their purposes (Which is a very accurate assessment; until the last couple years, the bulk of my acting earnings came from commercials, so my first priority when getting headshots would be on satisfying my commercial agent, with getting "theatrical" shots running a too-distant second).

But while I thought it was a reasonable request, and I wanted to start this new relationship off on the right foot, I blanched at spending hundreds of dollars on new headshots, when I'm not exactly "rolling in dough" at this point.

So I asked if I could get my friend Tim G. to take them (He'd offered in the past), and if they didn't pass muster for whatever reason, I'd go with one of their recommendations.

So Thursday morning I had a photo session with Tim - who lives in Burbank - and even though it was pretty miserable in one sense (I'm very "light sensitive", so I went through the whole outdoor shoot feeling like I was fighting to just keep my eyes open), I enjoyed spending time with Tim, and I think we got a lot of good stuff (The idea was specifically to capture, in terms of different "looks", "blue-collar/creepy", "middle management", and "quirky comedy").

I've sent them to Brianna and Scot (My agents), and to Brett (My manager), but haven't gotten any feedback yet.

But based on my own judgment, and the response to posting a half-dozen of the shots on FB (Granted, for a civilian audience), I will be very surprised/disappointed if they email me back and say, "Sorry, we can't use these...".

In any case, it felt good to do, because now I feel like I've given my new people what they've asked for (I'm assuming they're going to be happy with them), so they can do their job, and I can get more/better work, and they can make money, and everyone can be happy.

It doesn't usually make me feel good to be "productive" - because it's tiring, and the results are usually unsatisfying (And yes, that's a pretty big problem).

But in this case, it actually feels good to be productive - I'm hopeful that I've "helped myself" here - so "Yay!".

In other "acting news", I had a commercial audition (for Pur water filters) on Friday.

Wasn't completely thrilled when I got there and saw there was a little monologue to deal with - I've sometimes been un-done by "line anxiety" in the past (Where I've gone into the room more worried about "screwing up the lines" than anything else) - but I was there early enough, and they were running late enough, that I had a pretty good grip on what I was doing when I got into the room, and it actually went quite well (And it was fun to play with a "flat" delivery that didn't make me sound "depressed", just "matter-of-fact" and "not like an actor"; I think about the subtle nuances of a "monotone" delivery a lot these days).

So, I have an audition "in play" (Callbacks for the commercial are sometime after I get back from MI),and an audition to look forward to, which is how I like these things to go (It's a lot easier to "put an audition behind you" if you have another audition in front of you).

And in happy non-acting news...

I was very happy, this past week, to get a check in the mail from the Feds, for the amount of my tax refund they had initially withheld for some reason ($685-and-change, or about a third of what I'd expected to get back).

I do not know why the delay happened, but I do know that I really didn't expect to see that money - Even though I'd done my taxes in good faith, I worried that I wouldn't have satisfactory documentation should they ask me to "support my numbers" - so even though it's technically "my money", it feels like a gift.

And on that note of "gratitude", I think I'm going to wrap this up...

(I was going to write about my pending vacation, but I think I'll save it for next time.)

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