1:31 am - Sat 9/13/03
Get past it Jim. Get past your fear of embarrassment, of being frustrated, of having people think you're a bad guy, all of that.
I'm horny, I'm lonely, I'm creatively unfulfilled, my life is too small for me, too lonely, too boring, too much the life of someone who has failed, or who is in the process of failing.
How have I let this happen? How did I decide that this was enough for me, that this is all I get, that this is all I deserve?
I'm afraid that I'm coming off as unhappy or depressed or angry at myself or whatever, something entirely negative, but that's not really going on; I'm just tired, tired of not living the life I want, the life I'm just as entitled to as anyone else.
I'm hungry, is what it is, basically. I have a shitload of APPETITE that is not being sated. And I don't exactly understand why I'm going hungry, why I haven't pulled a chair up to the table, why I've been content just to wish I were at the table, wish I were enjoying good food and good company, wish I were the person that, somewhere deep inside, I know that I am.
The acting thing is a start, the barest of starts, a half-assed, half-hearted start, but a start nevertheless.
Frustration. That's what stops me. Frustration, Fear, and probably a couple of other "F" words I can't think of right now.
I give lip-service to the idea that there's a better way to live, that there's a more authentic life for me, that there's a more authentic "me" underneath my skin, but I can't quite seem to gather the courage to do more than wish it were true, then I slip back into the same old shit.
Diaryland is an example--I don't think there's anything WRONG with "reporting" on things ("This happened, then that happened", that sort of crap), but I'm starting to think I use that to avoid writing about anything really interesting or anything that really matters to me; Often, once I'm done telling you the itinerary of my days, I'm too tired to get into the real meat and potatoes of my life. In other words, probably the only stuff that might really be of any INTEREST, to me or anyone else.
I'm not good with frustration, I'm not good with complexity, I'm not good with a bunch of shit, and I let that stop me sometimes, when what I need to do is just work THROUGH it.
That applies to diaryland, to acting, to figuring out my life in LA, to getting myself, somehow, someway, back to a place where love and romance don't seem like something that's passed me by, but something that's a real world, "why not me?" POSSIBILITY.
Tonite I'm horny. I'm lonely. I'm artistically inspired...and frustrated. I feel like I want to get in better shape. I wish more of my friends here had wanted to stay in contact with me in LA...and I wish I had made more of an effort to stay in contact with them.
What am I waiting for? What do I think is going to just HAPPEN? Am I waiting for some fucking magic beans? For a bag of money to drop from the sky?
What exactly "turns the key" for me? But see--ALREADY my thinking takes a wrong turn; There's no fucking KEY. I'M the fucking "key". I turn things around. I start acting like I want what I want, like I really do believe my life should be a bigger, more expansive, more loving, more creative experience.
There's no fucking "key" that will make me be what I want to be, that will give me what I want to have in my life. There's just ME, and the clock is tick, tick, ticking away. I told that kid at the reception, "Do it now cause it'll never get any easier", but I'm not sure I was actually listening to my own advice.
Fear. I'm afraid I'll get too frustrated and angry at myself. I'm afraid I'll be embarrassed, that I'll look foolish, that I'll fail, that I'll never find what I want/need out of life.
I just need to say "fuck being afraid". Especially when the fear involves anything to do with "image" or "what people might THINK of me". Who cares? People aren't living their lives thinking about me, waiting to pounce when I write a bad novel, or am in a bad play, or ask someone out, or live an unconventional life in some way.
I'm just so TIRED. Tired of feeling like it's not working out, like I'm not MAKING it work out. I KNOW I can do better, I know I can set this ship right. I know it. The little bit of headway I've made in acting out in LA shows me that it's possible--I put some energy and effort into it, and sure enough, something happened, so if I put MORE into it, it only makes sense that more will come out.
It doesn't work to be MAD at myself. I'm not an "asshole" or an "idiot" or anything like that. On the contrary, my frustration right now, and this IS me being frustrated, if you were unclear on the matter, is because I AM a good guy, a smart guy, a talented guy, a loving guy.
It can be better. I can be better. And I know where it comes from is me. My THINKING, mainly, and yes, some of my DOING as well.
I've been feeling like I should be reporting my vacation in here, and in a way, I sort of am; This little outpouring represents the fact that I'm not in Lansing and I'm not in LA, but somewhere in an uncomfortable, unhappy, unsettled middle ground. And that "middle ground" is in my mind, in my heart. In terms of being happy, it's not going to ever matter where I am so much as how I'm thinking.
I want a better life. I want to feel better. I want the inside to match up more with the outside. I want love. I want to express myself. I want to stop feeling like I'm failing, like it's not working out, like I can't get or don't deserve the life of my dreams.
And it's on me. I'm the key. Nothings going to change until and unless I make it happen, or even just LET it happen.
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