8:33 pm - Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004
DESIRE IS THE FIRE OF LIFE
That email from Jane was very timely, because I've been thinking about "desire" a lot lately.
Of course, my most obvious desire, the one I obsess over most in here, is my desire to be an actor.
What's interesting to me about that desire, as opposed to pretty much any other desire I can think of, is that I'm not ambivalent about it in the slightest.
A lot of other things I want, or even think I want, have a "down side" that I don't see with acting (I worry about getting the other things I want, while with an acting career, the only worry I have is that I won't get it, and what do I do then?).
I've been thinking about another pet, because I'm feeling very lonely. But to be honest, other than keeping him alive for ten years or so, I don't think I did all that well by Leo, my late cat. To put it plainly, I think he would have been better off somewhere else (It bothers me to admit that, but I'm not writing a journal in order to "shine my halo").
I haven't demonstrated much ability to "nurture" things so far (I'm not even much good at nurturing myself). And while I wish I were a different guy in that respect, I think I have to come to grips with the fact that this is who I am, and not use a cat or dog as a "test subject" to see if I can change.
I'd like a human companion as well (My strong preference would be for a woman), but I'm even more "iffy" on that than I am on pet ownership. I've failed a couple times now, and failed big, on the "relationship front", hurting the other people involved (The last time literally), and leaving myself (figuratively) scarred for life.
I don't think I was ever very good in the relationships I was in, and I don't think I'm aging like a fine wine in that regard; the longer I'm alone, the more difficult I think it'll be for me to ever successfully be with someone. Wanting someone in your life also amounts to having to "deal with" someone in your life, and I suspect that that skill, never highly developed, has eroded a great deal over my "single guy" lifetime (Honestly, it's way more about them having to deal with me than vice-versa).
I want to be loved, to be sure, but I honestly don't see it happening, and am not at all sure I could deal with it if it did. And I'm even less sure I have it in me to genuinely love anyone.
And let's not get me started on children...
(Long story short--I definitely feel "paternal stirrings" in the presence of children, but I don't think I'm ever going to be in the "putting someone ahead of me" business also known as "parenting". And that tells me that, whatever else I think I might have to "offer", a child would be a very bad idea for me).
Of course, I could be wrong. I could be "selling myself short". Maybe I have more of a capacity for love and caring than I know.
But I'm afraid I'm not wrong. And it seems like I've got my hands full trying to find enough of a "capacity for love and caring" to keep myself afloat.
Anyway, my point is that I have reservations, and pretty severe ones, about most of the things I desire in life.
Except for acting.
I want to be an actor, it's what I came out here to do, and I'm starting to think (In part because I have no "resistance" to the idea), that it's going to happen (It is happening, in point of fact).
But I can't have a life based on acting alone.
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