2:33 pm - Sun 4/3/05
Having a hard time getting going here, with only a few minutes before I have to start getting ready for work...
Well, some more good news--Lost another two pounds this week! From a starting weight of 260 lbs, I'm down to a slim-and-trim 252.
A reader advised me not to look at myself too much during this beginning stage, which I think is good advice. But unfortunately, I'm an actor--Looking at myself (And disapproving of what I see) is something of a hobby of mine.
But at this writing, I'm feeling happy with the progress I've made so far.
First Terri Schiavo, then The Pope--Death has been in the news a lot these days. And I've found the whole "Media Death Watch" thing more than a little creepy.
I've always been afraid of death at some level--Thanks to scary visions of hellfire and brimstone fed to me as a child--but it's always been a "back burner" sort of fear.
But in the four years I've been out here in L.A., it's achieved "front burner" status.
Part of it is a fear that I'm going to be taken out of the game before I've accomplished anything. When I wasn't trying to actually do something with my life, dying seemed kind of a remote notion--Sure, I was going to die someday, but it wasn't like I didn't have all kinds of time to "turn things around". But now, I'm afraid I'm going to keel over at the bookstore someday (Man that would suck), or be just on the verge of really making my mark when I find out I have cancer of the everything, and...game over.
The other "fear of death" I'm carrying around is a fear that I'm going to lose part of my very small makeshift "family": I know no one wants to lose someone close to them, but I really don't have anyone to spare (I'm not going to do a headcount right now, but the people I feel really close to in the world, the people I think are "on my team" for the duration of our stay on earth together, currently number in the single digits).
So I don't know...I guess I just have to endeavor not to die for awhile.
And that "makeshift family"?
Maybe I can send a memo or something--"Attention: There will be no dying before me (And I won't be dying for a good long while)".
Do you think that would work...?
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