Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

1:01 am - Fri 4/15/05
Walking Through Doors

Walking Through Doors

Well, ignoring the fact that I just lost an entry I've been working on for hours, I'd like to start this entry off with happy news: I auditioned for Under Milkwood on Wednesday, and I have to assume it went pretty well, cause I have a callback on Monday!

The audition was at Tigertainment Productions in Culver City (I rode my bike the 7 1/2 miles there. Which would have been fine, except I was done with my audition within fifteen minutes, then had to hop back on my bike and go the 7 1/2 miles home).

I'd thought the audition experience was going to be more "theatre-like"--with me performing on an empty stage in front of the director and maybe one or two of his minions--but it was actually just like every commercial audition I've done out here, just me and a camera guy in a small room. A bit disappointing, really.

It was also "disappointing" that there were going to be callbacks--I wanted to just knock it out of the ballpark, get cast, and have that be that--but what is one to do?

In any case, I'm hoping I get this. Me actually acting out here is something that's long past "overdue" (I've often been struck by the irony of my wanting to be a professional actor so I could act full-time, and have it not be just a hobby, then coming out here and basically not acting at all).

And I have the GM at Borders to thank for this renewed sense of purpose: I realize now, more than I ever did before, just how little I mean to this store, which has helped me really "get my priorities in order".

Just as he has to prioritize the running of the store, because that's his job, after all, I have to prioritize my acting career, or else I'm not gonna have one.

Didn't come out to L.A. to work in a bookstore...

This sort of relates to something I've been thinking about a lot lately...I think, for a long time, I believed that "taking the leap" to come out here was the most difficult thing I'd have to do, and after that, I'd just be here, doing what I'm doing. The "hard part" would kind of be over.

Does that make sense...?

But that's not really the way it's worked. It has't been a matter of making the one decision, then being "all set". I've made some progress out here, yes, but I've also given in to fear and fatigue and frustration, given in to the desire for comfort and security that's kept me down all my life.

Turns out one courageous decision--And I think it's debatable how "courageous" it was, but that's stuff for another entry--is not enough. You have to keep making those decisions, you have to keep walking through those doors, when you're not sure what's on the other side.

Borders has been a moth-eaten, flea-ridden "security blanket" the past four years. And I've made decisions out here that didn't serve me well as an actor, but instead, decisions that were designed to preserve the status quo of my being at Borders.

But I didn't come out here to work at Borders. I didn't come out here for a crappier version of the life I already had back in Lansing.

I came out here to be an actor. I came out here to realize a dream.

I came out here to be, finally, who I really am.

Time to be scared and uncertain. Time to not know exactly what might be coming next.

And maybe, just maybe, time to find out how great my life can truly be.

Stay tuned...


previous - next

1 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!