9:40 pm - Weds 5.19.2010
Got to talk to Margaret K. recently, and happily, it was a much more satisfying conversation for both of us than the previous one (I would say, "More like the conversations we typically have").
(It was pretty "apples and oranges" of me, in my last entry, to compare talking to Cary at the restaurant, with no distractions and plenty of time on our hands, to trying to talk to Margaret that day, when she was having to deal with her kids, and I had one eye on the phone and the other on the clock, because I had to get ready for a WW meeting. But anyway...)
I get nervous when, for whatever reason, I have awkward/strained conversations with one of the handful of people I truly enjoy talking to.
No one really needs to talk to me, no one's "obligated" - I'm basically an "extra" thing in people's lives that they fit in when they can - and that being the case, I fear that, one too many strained/awkward/dull conversations, and those people will lose the will to talk to me altogether.
(Shocking! - the Entertainer fears he'll be rejected if he fails to entertain. But anyway...
Speaking of Margaret, she'd mentioned previously that she "sent me a little something" for my birthday, and I got that "little something" early yesterday evening (via UPS) - A very generous Target gift certificate.
I have a previous Target g.c. I've been holding onto for awhile, along with a (very) small commercial check that's hardly worth depositing (So I'm not going to), and when I add Margaret's gift to that, it adds up to "Jim getting to buy something he really couldn't justify spending the money on otherwise".
1. A large flat-screen monitor.
2. An IPod and docking station w/cd player.
3. An inexpensive electric guitar(Small amp included).
4. A nice digital camera/low-end video camera.
#1 is a little bit of a problem, cause a lifetime of not having a lot of money makes it feel "wrong" to buy a new thing before the old thing is totally worn out.
And #'s 3&4 feel like things that could end up seeming like "a good idea at the time" but never getting used.
But the IPod/docking station gives me something desirable that I don't already have - The ability to have my favorite music on a continuous loop - that I know I'll use (I just don't know if it'll really make it any easier for me to do dishes and such).
Between the Castle appearance on Monday and my birthday on Saturday, I received lots of attention last week.
And it made me realize - once again - that I have a bottomless appetite for attention.
And the reason said "appetite" is bottomless, is because attention is not very emotionally filling.
If it were, celebrities would all be happy (Which is clearly not the case).
You can't pay enough attention to me, you can't think enough of me as an actor or a journal writer or what-have-you, to make up for the love I didn't get as a child...or for that matter, for the love and companionship I don't have in my life in the here-and-now.
There's not enough superficial attention in the world for that.
I think it's nice that a lot of people on Facebook said "Happy Birthday" to me on Saturday, or complimented me on Castle after it aired on Monday.
It was nice. It was fun.
But that's pretty much all it was.
Expecting something more is truly the definition of "looking for love in all the wrong places".
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