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11:11 am - Monday, Dec. 25, 2006
The Secret Of My (Eventual) Success

The Secret Of My (Eventual) Success


Sat 12/23/06 (4:59 p.m.)

Chatted with Kevin K. at length today. That was nice.

One of the things I said to him is something I�ve said before in here�A big reason I think I�ll succeed as an actor (Aside from talent or a �look� or what-have-you) is that it�s the only thing I can think of that I want without any ambivalence or equivocation.

Cause it�s hard to go full-tilt for what you want if you�re not sure you�re going to want whatever-it-is once you get it.

I think, for example, of companionship; I�m lonely, to be sure, and I crave love and sex and having a �life partner� and all that, but I also have tremendously painful memories of how badly my two serious adult relationships ended. And unlike acting, I don�t have any sense that �I�m good at this...�. On the contrary, I have a sneaking suspicion that life has just not equipped me to sustain a healthy, happy relationship (It�s not a great feeling to think �I left those people worse than when I found them...�).

And if that applies to an adult relationship, it applies a hundredfold when I think of children.

I love kids. I don�t write about it much, because it feels awkward, as a single middle-aged man, talking about how much I�d like to have children to love and be affectionate with and care about (I feel like I have to stick in a disclaimer that I�m not, in fact, a pedophile). I see parents with children, and sometimes I ache�there�s no other way to put it�with a longing to have what they have.

But I know it�s not all love and laughs and cuddling; it�s also tantrums and tears and time-outs. It�s putting your life and desires second to the needs of that other life (Or lives). It�s having to let go and let them screw up and let them find their own way in the world and be their own person. I imagine the highs are pretty high, but there�s worry, frustration, anger, sadness, and I�d guess frequent anxiety and fear of failure��Am I doing the right thing? Are these people going to be healthy, happy adults, am I giving them a good foundation for their lives, or am I screwing them up?�.

And I can�t help but think that, whatever biological, paternal �stirrings� I feel, however much I may �ache�, I�m just too �damaged�, too selfish and screwed up, to ever be a good parent (Maybe too screwed up to even be an adequate parent). My mother gave me up, her parents gave her up, and maybe it�s for the best if the madness stops here.


With acting, there�s not a feeling that �If I screw this up, other people�s lives are effected...� (I guess you could make an argument that, tengentially, people�s lives could be effected by my doing a bad job in a tv show or movie. But in that arena, I have confidence that I won�t do a bad job, and even if I did, it wouldn�t be the same thing as screwing up in a relationship, or in raising a child).

I�m not afraidof getting what I want with acting (About the only �down side� I can think of is a lifetime of anxiety, riding out the peaks and valleys of even a successful acting career). I don�t doubt that I have �something to offer�, that in this environment, I can leave people and situations better than when I found them.

I�m not sure I�m ever going to �belong� in a world of lovers, of spouses, of parents and children, as much as I may want it. I don't want to hurt myself, but even more importantly, I don't want to hurt others.

But I have no such doubt about being an actor. Which is why, ultimately, I�m going to succeed.


 

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