Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

9:15 am - TUE 3/05/02
Jim's Monday Fun Day
I realized recently, not for the first time, that the women I'm really attracted to are often more "cute" or "pretty" than out-and-out "beautiful". "Pretty" is still approachable, accessible; "Beautiful" feels distant, forbidding, and while this may be an unfair judgement, I presume someone who is physically beautiful is probably shallow as well

(When you get automatic acceptance and approval for your looks, why BOTHER developing your mind? If the world seems to work pretty well for you, why spend a lot of time trying to figure things out, or understand other people? You only have to work to figure out your place in the world when it seems like you maybe don't HAVE one). It's simplistic in the extreme, but there it is.

(And I'm going to get myself in TROUBLE here, if I haven't already, but here goes...)

I saw "Amelie" for the second time yesterday. Fell in love with Audrey Tatou all over again.

She's tremendously appealing, both in terms of her looks (Big, beautiful dark eyes), in terms of the character she plays (Very sweet, with just a touch of sadness), and in terms of the person that I at least IMAGINE I'm seeing underneath the character (Again, this is very simplistic, but I imagine that if you can play a sweet, slightly sad, tremendously endearing character, you must be, at least in part, a sweet, slightly sad, tremendously endearing character YOURSELF).

My point, if I have one here, is that looks definitely factor IN to attraction--Sorry if that bothers anyone out there, but that's just the way it is (Do you sense I've been made to feel GUILTY over that?)--but while I want to be physically attracted to someone, I want that person to turn me on physically, it's obviously not the whole ball-of-wax.

If I ever work my way back into the world of dating again, I don't want to feel like I'm "settling". But that said, not "settling" doesn't mean anyone who isn't Julia Roberts (Or You-know-who) gets "kicked to the curb". I'm a simple man; All I want is someone smart, funny, pretty, warm, understanding, preferably with a substantial income (Or potential for same), who sees everything I have to offer without being put off by my various flaws and personal eccentricities.

(Hmmm...I think I may be in some TROUBLE here...)

(Listening to "The Very Best of Cream". Bought it some time ago, then realized that, out of the twenty songs on the CD, I only really like FOUR. But "Sunshine of Your Love" and "White Room" are two of my very favorite songs in all of rock. Anyway...)

Yesterday was a pretty good day. A VERY pretty good day, actually.

I mentioned getting called by the people who have the Corsica now, asking where to send their check for the ticket. That was very nice, though I guess, when I think about it, they pretty much HAD to take care of it; If they don't, the car can be impounded. But anyway, I was very happy to feel like that was getting taken care of.

Then I chatted at length with Jane. I always enjoy that, but this was one those chats that go on at some length, addressing this issue and that, that I particularly enjoy.

We talked quite a bit about Jennifer, who's in "Company" with her and Mark.

We're both pretty intrigued by Jennifer. She's very pretty, tremendously talented, and in general, a very appealing, likeable person.

But as Jane said yesterday, the feeling with Jennifer is that there's a "candy shell", a likeable personna that serves both to win her approval and at the same time, keep real CONTACT at bay.

She'll throw out little "jokes" that seem to indicate feelings lying under the surface, but she's not a "talker" like Mark and Jane and I.

I think she's very smart, certainly very QUICK--I think I've said it in here before; She's "faster on the draw" than I am, truth to tell--but she doesn't READ, which is hard for me to understand, and for whatever reason, I sort of feel like she's a little...UNDERCOOKED as a person.

Is it the "beauty thing"? Was it her environment growing up? Is it "none of the above", and am I just judging her by MY yardstick, which may not be the ultimate measure of a person?

I don't know.

But recently Jane told me Jennifer has started therapy. So whoever Jennifer is or isn't as a person, she's not HAPPY, which is something I've suspected/known for a long time (In my more self-deprecating moments, I've thought, "If she's seeking validation from ME for her talent and attractiveness, you KNOW she can't be happy!").

(It just occured to me, reading the "Amelie"/Audrey Tatou portion of this entry, that my feelings about Jennifer run pretty much in that same direction, even down to assuming that I have some real sense of the PERSON behind the appealing PERSONA. Interesting...)

And whether there's anything to Jennifer and I--Maybe she just flirts with me because she knows she has me on the hook, because I'm her biggest fan, or maybe she imagines she has some real sense of the person behind MY "appealing persona". I don't know.--I do know that I have a tremendous sympathy for her. I look at her life--Problem marriage, special needs child, and a huge talent and desire to perform that is undoubtedly being stifled--and it seems very, very HARD to me.

Who loves her? Who understands her? Who wants her to be happy? Who wants the best for her, whatever that might turn out to be?

I don't know. And maybe she doesn't EITHER. Maybe she doesn't really know what she wants for HERSELF, or how to GET it.

But I hope she figures it out. She deserves to be happy. And I really think she is so special as a performer (I think she considers herself more more of a "singer", but I think she's just as good an "actress") that the world misses out just a little BIT if she doesn't fully explore the possibilities in the direction.

But anyway...

When the mail came yesterday, there was something from my old job (A form I needed for "rolling over" my 401K). when I opened the envelope, there was, amongst other things, a $10 check from M.E., my old boss, and a very nice note, saying they missed me "like crazy" at the store, and that I would always be "part of the family".

(There was also Kris's "Oscar pool" form. I'll probably do it--It's $3--even though I've NEVER won.)

I started reading Kay Callan's "How to Sell Yourself As An Actor" yesterday while at breakfast, and think, while it's another one of those books that's very SOBERING about what an uphill climb one faces, that it's going to have a world of good information for me.

One of my ongoing "issues" continues to be trying to figure out what my "selling points" are, and in particular, what my headshot should look like.

I'm thinking, after "Crossing The Line" closes, that I'm going to shave my beard, cut my hair (If I haven't already), buy some Grecian Formula, and get what will HOPEFULLY be my last headshots for awhile; I just keep feeling like graying hair and a gray beard are too LIMITING (When I watch tv, I can't help but notice that there isn't a lot of facial hair out there, and even less GRAY hair).

I'm in even more of a quandry about how to go about "marketing" myself, because I don't look at myself and see one defining TYPE; It's kind of easy, with my general temperament, to figure out what I DON'T look like (Soap opera hearthrob, action hero, etc), but much harder to be realistic about the intersection between what I WANT to do and the way people are going to SEE me.

I look at myself, and I see SOMETHING that doesn't really seem to be out there. And in one sense, that makes me very nervous--most people WANT to "type" you, because it makes life easier for them--but on the other hand, it makes me feel like I might end up having just the unique "quality" that makes me eventually rise above the current.

Let's HOPE so!

On the way to the movie--I was conflicted about going to the movies, btw. On the one hand, that's kind of my JOB, and I do enjoy it, but on the other hand, I'm in a bit of a day-off RUT--I found a dollar on the street (With the power of television, I found myself immediately thinking of that series of telephone commercials--"Big deal, what can you do with a DOLLAR these days?", "Well, you can place a ten-minute collect call..."). Now, finding a dollar on the street isn't really a big DEAL, but then again, neither are MOST of the things that happen in the course of a day, positive OR negative. It was just NICE.

I had been tempted to see "Amelie" again on my last day off (I saw "Gosford Park" instead, which was well done and all, but just not really my THING), so when I got to the theater and saw that they had replaced "Gosford Park" with "Monster's Ball", which I'd already seen, I gave in to my "Amelie" temptation.

But I had awhile before the movie started, so I walked down Hollywood (I thought I'd see what movie was playing at the Vista, and see that if it was something interesting, but it was the new Mel Gibson movie, which I wasn't interested in). I thought I'd get a haircut maybe, but the place wasn't open, then I thought I'd check out the "American Rebel" motorcycle gear place, but that wasn't open EITHER (Was there some national holiday yesterday, and I didn't get the MEMO?).

I ended up wondering into this used bookstore I'd seen before, but hadn't checked out (It was very appealing to me. Dirty place, dirty guy running it--Who didn't seem to know how to SPELL, which I thought was interesting--but just a nice FEEL to it. I think I like the sense of being able to find some old treasure that's long out-of-print. It also feels like, next to going to the library, as DEMOCRATIC as books get; If you had 50 cents in your pocket, you could walk out with SOMETHING to read).

Initially, I asked the guy if he had any "Nick Carter" books (Nick Carter was "The American James Bond", according to the blurb on most of the book jackets, and was very appealing to me as a teenager, because he was VERY cool and had sex at least three or four times per book), and he turned out to have a half-dozen or so, but after leafing through one, I decided my time and money might be better spent on something ELSE, so after looking around for a bit, I bought a copy of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," a book I tried to get through years back, but never made it (At $2, the price was right for me to give it another crack).

Then I walked back to the theater, making a stop at a nearby party store first, for fun things to eat while at the movie (Interesting how the mind works; Most of the time, I don't eat ANYTHING while I'm watching a movie, but getting away with bringing something IN, and having a pop, Cracker Jacks, and a box of Boston Baked Beans for what it would cost for a small coke at the concession stand...Well, it feels like something I HAVE to do, if you follow me).

After the movie, I didn't get as bummed out as I did the first time. I still had that sense of wanting to tell someone I LOVED them, wanting to have SEX, wanting to at least have someone to TALK to, but instead, I just allowed the movie to bounce around in my brain, along with the various and sundry thoughts it brought up, writing the more interesting ones in my "pocket journal".

I stopped at Subway on the way home, since I had a card for a free 6" sub. I had it "to go", stopping along the way to eat it, as I kind of watched people go by.

When I got home, I basically spent the rest of the evening watching tv ("Angel" has taken a very exciting, scary direction over the last couple episodes).

I felt a little guilty that it wasn't a more PRODUCTIVE day, but I DID start reading my acting book, and I DID follow up on the motorcycle safety course. And I enjoyed myself more than I dndn't yesterday, and what can I TELL you? I've been craving some out-and-out ENJOYMENT lately.

Speaking of which, I have a feeling that I'm not going to "enjoy" this day if I don't get myself out and about doing SOMETHING, so I'm going to close up shop now.

I may actually be back later tonite, because I feel like I've got a TON more I'd like to say. But for now, adieu (That's about all the French I remember from at least three years of classes. C'est la vie...)

 

previous - next

0 comments so far
about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!