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5:50 pm - 03.31.2009
The Game-Changer

The Game-Changer

Tues 3/21/09 (3:27 a.m.)

(Just. Start. Writing.)

I don't have anything I have to do today - No appointments, no Weight Watchers meetings, no auditions, nothing - and my financial worries, thanks to a recent (and previously written about) influx of cash, have been punted some distance down-field.

You'd think this would be a pleasant, totally stress-free day. The day is mine, and I can do whatever I want with it.

You'd think Iíd be...happy.

You'd be wrong.

Recently, I asked "The Universe" for help, for some relief from my financial stress, and in fairly short order, money practically rained down from the sky - the Cold Stone Check, the gift from Margaret, residual checks, my state income tax refund, etc.

I got what I wanted, and my stress was relieved...to a significant degree.

And I thought it was going to make me happy...but I'm not.

And when I give it some thought, I see why - Yes, I feel better having gotten those checks than I would if I hadn't (Instead of worrying about what's going to happen month-after-next, now I can worry about what's going to happen in four or five months); as unhappy as I sometimes am now, I don't think I'd be any happier as a homeless person.

(In my opinion, time spent not being a homeless person should be considered time well-spent.)

But I'm still lonely, still afraid, still feel deeply uncertain about the future, etc.

And I still suck at improv.

I spoke to Cary earlier today, and told him this was starting to feel like a Tuesday ritual - My morning-after, post-improv class bummer.

Last night was class #5 (Of 8), and I am just...not...getting it.

And I am finding it deeply frustrating...and tremendously upsetting (To an embarrassing degree).

I could go into great detail on my understanding of improv, the nature of my struggle, my theories on whatís going wrong, etc

And I'm considering just such an entry - But this is not that entry.

So I'll just say that I'm wrestling with the space between "I don't like this, but I don't like anything I'm not immediately good at", and "I gave it a try, it's not my thing, and it's okay if Iím not good at everything that has to do with performing".

At what point is giving this up okay, and at what point does it make me a loser that quits everything that isn't easy?

And "easy" brings me back to today - Nothing to do, no obligations, just me and a free day, to do with as see fit.

So I thought I'd go to the movies, since the bills are paid, I've got the time, and there are things out I'd enjoy seeing (Deception, I Love You Man, and Sunshine Cleaners are all playing in Los Feliz; Monsters vs. Aliens is at the M-Park 4 right here in K-Town).

So I started towards Los Feliz, on foot, got a few blocks, then turned around and came home.

Cause I shouldn't spend the money (Particularly when none of the movies in question are movies I really have to see).

Cause I'm tired - too tired to walk there, and if I did, too tired to enjoy the movie once I got there (And I'm less interested in seeing Monsters vs. Aliens than I am any of the Los Feliz movies. Besides, it's more expensive. Besides which, then I feel lazy for seeing a movie mostly because it's playing at the closest theater).

Cause if I do, then I'm not going to want to see a show at IO tonite (Part of my improv class requirement is to see eight of the weekly shows; we're in week five of class, and so far, I've only seen three). And tonite a group performs that the teacher said was particularly good.

Cause I've been feeling guilty about not having written a "real entry" in here in forever (Seems odd to feel "guilty" about something I don't have to do at all, but there it is - I feel guilty for keeping an online journal and writing what feel like lazy, dishonest entries). And if I have the whole day to write, and don't start till late in the evening when Iím at my lowest ebb, it feels a lot like self-sabotage.

So here I am, writing what is, no doubt, a game-changing Diaryland entry.

So now we move on to seeing a show at IO tonite, the other thing that should just be fun, that I don't strictly have to do - I could "catch up" by seeing a couple shows this weekend, and catch the group the teacher mentioned next Tuesday.

It's free - at the start of the class, we were given "punch cards" good for eight free admissions - I can take the Metro, I've set my dvr to record my ďstoriesĒ tonite, and there's time, if I want, to catch a nap beforehand.

But I don't want to go.

I just don't feel like it.

And thatís pretty scary - if itís this much of a struggle just to keep myself entertained, to get myself to leave the house, how in the hell am I ever going to motivate myself to actually accomplish anything...?

Well, at least I wrote this game-changing, life-altering journal entry.

At least I have that.


 

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