5:50 pm - 03.31.2009
The Game-Changer

Tues 3/21/09 (3:27 a.m.)

(Just. Start. Writing.)

I don't have anything I have to do today - No appointments, no Weight Watchers meetings, no auditions, nothing - and my financial worries, thanks to a recent (and previously written about) influx of cash, have been punted some distance down-field.

You'd think this would be a pleasant, totally stress-free day. The day is mine, and I can do whatever I want with it.

You'd think I�d be...happy.

You'd be wrong.

Recently, I asked "The Universe" for help, for some relief from my financial stress, and in fairly short order, money practically rained down from the sky - the Cold Stone Check, the gift from Margaret, residual checks, my state income tax refund, etc.

I got what I wanted, and my stress was relieved...to a significant degree.

And I thought it was going to make me happy...but I'm not.

And when I give it some thought, I see why - Yes, I feel better having gotten those checks than I would if I hadn't (Instead of worrying about what's going to happen month-after-next, now I can worry about what's going to happen in four or five months); as unhappy as I sometimes am now, I don't think I'd be any happier as a homeless person.

(In my opinion, time spent not being a homeless person should be considered time well-spent.)

But I'm still lonely, still afraid, still feel deeply uncertain about the future, etc.

And I still suck at improv.

I spoke to Cary earlier today, and told him this was starting to feel like a Tuesday ritual - My morning-after, post-improv class bummer.

Last night was class #5 (Of 8), and I am just...not...getting it.

And I am finding it deeply frustrating...and tremendously upsetting (To an embarrassing degree).

I could go into great detail on my understanding of improv, the nature of my struggle, my theories on what�s going wrong, etc

And I'm considering just such an entry - But this is not that entry.

So I'll just say that I'm wrestling with the space between "I don't like this, but I don't like anything I'm not immediately good at", and "I gave it a try, it's not my thing, and it's okay if I�m not good at everything that has to do with performing".

At what point is giving this up okay, and at what point does it make me a loser that quits everything that isn't easy?

And "easy" brings me back to today - Nothing to do, no obligations, just me and a free day, to do with as see fit.

So I thought I'd go to the movies, since the bills are paid, I've got the time, and there are things out I'd enjoy seeing (Deception, I Love You Man, and Sunshine Cleaners are all playing in Los Feliz; Monsters vs. Aliens is at the M-Park 4 right here in K-Town).

So I started towards Los Feliz, on foot, got a few blocks, then turned around and came home.

Cause I shouldn't spend the money (Particularly when none of the movies in question are movies I really have to see).

Cause I'm tired - too tired to walk there, and if I did, too tired to enjoy the movie once I got there (And I'm less interested in seeing Monsters vs. Aliens than I am any of the Los Feliz movies. Besides, it's more expensive. Besides which, then I feel lazy for seeing a movie mostly because it's playing at the closest theater).

Cause if I do, then I'm not going to want to see a show at IO tonite (Part of my improv class requirement is to see eight of the weekly shows; we're in week five of class, and so far, I've only seen three). And tonite a group performs that the teacher said was particularly good.

Cause I've been feeling guilty about not having written a "real entry" in here in forever (Seems odd to feel "guilty" about something I don't have to do at all, but there it is - I feel guilty for keeping an online journal and writing what feel like lazy, dishonest entries). And if I have the whole day to write, and don't start till late in the evening when I�m at my lowest ebb, it feels a lot like self-sabotage.

So here I am, writing what is, no doubt, a game-changing Diaryland entry.

So now we move on to seeing a show at IO tonite, the other thing that should just be fun, that I don't strictly have to do - I could "catch up" by seeing a couple shows this weekend, and catch the group the teacher mentioned next Tuesday.

It's free - at the start of the class, we were given "punch cards" good for eight free admissions - I can take the Metro, I've set my dvr to record my �stories� tonite, and there's time, if I want, to catch a nap beforehand.

But I don't want to go.

I just don't feel like it.

And that�s pretty scary - if it�s this much of a struggle just to keep myself entertained, to get myself to leave the house, how in the hell am I ever going to motivate myself to actually accomplish anything...?

Well, at least I wrote this game-changing, life-altering journal entry.

At least I have that.

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