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5:50 pm - 04.18.2012
Generating Some Interesting Situations

Generating Some Interesting Situations

(Watching this week's Mad Men on On Demand...)

Called the Doctor's office about my colonoscopy results today; got their voice-mail, and heard back from the Doctor around 5:00.

Happily, there's nothing too exciting to report - The polyps weren't cancerous, and neither were the other bits of colon they biopsied - but less happily, the diverticulosis apparently doesn't really explain what's going on with my evacuation situation (Which I don't really understand, cause the pamphlet I got sent home with certainly sounded a lot like what I've been experiencing the past couple years).

So "Yay!" I don't have cancer (Which wasn't an overwhelming concern, really), and "Boo!", I still don't really know what my deal is (regarding the issue I went to the Doctor for in the first place).

He didn't have much to say about the diverticulosis - he clearly didn't think it was any big deal (I'm tempted to say "He didn't give a shit", but I've heard enough bathroom-humor over my colonoscopy to last me awhile) - beyond avoiding seeds and nuts "when possible", and trying a dose of Metamucil twice a day (Not sure why I'd have an issue with not getting enough fiber now, since fiber's a big part of any successful Weight Watchers regimen, but anyway...).

Truth to tell, he clearly didn't remember what I'd gone in complaining about.

If you're sensing I'm not happy, it's because I'm not - I've got a problem, I know I have a problem, and I'm no better off than I was before I walked into the Dr's office.

He mentioned some other embarrassing-sounding test/procedure/whatever, suggesting my situation might be a nerve issue (Basically, my ass nerves misfiring, giving me the feeling that I "have to go" all the time).

Well, enough of this shit...


Told myself there was no reason not to get my taxes done early this year.

So of course, I finished them last night.

Did them online, as I've done for years now, but am thinking next year I should take them somewhere; even with the system holding my hand and adding the numbers for me, I felt sure someone wasn't getting everything they were entitled to (But I didn't know if the "someone" was me or the government).

But when everything was said and done, with union dues and agent/manager commissions alone I had nearly $10,000 in deductions, so I'm getting a pretty decent federal refund.

Once again, I made the lion's-share of my income this year as an actor, which is nice...but at the same time, I did the thing I've done other years when that was the case, where I see how much I made, between acting gigs and Weight Watchers, and think "How can I have made that much money with nothing to show for it"?

But there was that aforementioned $10,000 worth of Union dues and commissions. And I am living in a fairly expensive city.

(And there's that major canned-pineapple habit I've developed over the past couple years...)

Weds 4/18/12 (4:55 pm)

Not in good spirits just now...

I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, how, to put it simply, "I don't feel good" a good deal of the time.

I've been giving this so much lately that, some time back, I actually compiled a list:

My Main "Issues

1. Chronic sleeplessness/fatigue.

2. Tendency towards anxious/depressing/generally negative thoughts (I used to think this was all a "cognitive issue" - Just a lifelong habit of thinking in...unproductive ways - but now I believe there's some "biochamical" issues as well, whether it's a genetic tendency toward depression/anxiety, or whether I'm depressed/anxious, in part, because I'm tired and feel like shit all the time, or both).

3. A stressful occupation/uncertain income.

4. Chronic loneliness/Insufficient "emotional support system".

I could probably put something in there about insufficient "creative expression"/intellectual exercise" - I'm bored in general, and creatively stagnant/constipated in particular - but I kind of think that would belong in a sub-heading of one of those four main "issues".

("I'm not fully realizing my intellectual/creative capacity because I'm so tired I can't stir myself to do more than I'm doing.", or "I allow anxious/depressing/negative thoughts to keep me from excercising my full intellectual/creative abilities". Right now, I'm thinking, "A little from Column A, a little from Column B".)

I've always waited for someone or something to come along to "make things interesting".

But I don't think anyone (Or anything) is coming.

As tired and anxious as I may be, I have to, somehow, rouse myself to generate my own interesting, meaningful situations.

I'm so fucking tired...

...but I have to scoot - I'm going to The Egyptian to see Werner Herzog talk about whatever-his-latest-film is, then I guess watch the film in question.

If I don't sound enthused, just go back a few paragraphs, and you can probably figure out why...


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