10:22 am - Mon 6.22.2009
Giant Leaps

Visited Cary and Kay yesterday.

Very fun to listen to Donovan (Their son, who'll be five years old next month) - I just enjoy the sound of his voice, and the way he says things; I found out it particularly funny and charming when he was telling us the seating order for lunch, like a five-year-old event planner.

And later, he was cracking me up as he capered around naked in the backyard with a garden hose (Apparently, he's a big fan of the nudist lifestyle) - He wasn't all sunshine-y yesterday (He had a little bit of a tantrum when he couldn't play with his Dad's I-Phone), but who is?

I'd asked Kay - who restores photos, amongst her many other talents - if she could look at the pictures that came with my case file, to see if she could "do anything with them", and she had the results of her efforts ready, so that was nice.

(The pictures were pretty poor in the first place - and there's nothing you can do if the photos are blurry, which was the case with a lot of the color shots - but she enlarged the black-and-whites so you can see me a little better, and did what she could with the best color pictures, and they definitely do look better than they did. Then she burned them to a cd. So I'll have them here and on my Facebook page before too long.)

Most of the time was spent chatting with Cary, about this and that (We've kind of settled into a routine when I visit, which I really enjoy).

We always talk a lot about "The Business", since it's a common interest (For him as a screenwriter, and me as an actor). And with the various twists-and-turns "The Business" is taking these days, there was quite a bit to talk about!

I don't know how much he'd want me talking about him in here, but let's just say I'm vicariously excited by some of the things that are going on in Cary's writing career - In his case, maybe even more than my own, I think it really is "just a matter of time" till he breaks through; He's doing the work, he's got the chops, and he's starting to get the ear of some pretty major players.

Speaking of writing, Cary suggested that there's definitely a book in my case file, should I choose to tackle it.

Now, a number of people have said that to me before, and I've pondered it myself, but when a writer says "there's a book here"...well, it makes you "sit up and take notice".

That kind of ties in with something I talked to Cary about at length yesterday, something I've been meaning to write about in here for the longest time, having to do with "work".

Right now, in the practical sense, I'm not working enough - I'm not working enough hours, and I'm not making enough money to pay my bills.

But for various reasons, I don't want to work more than I am, not in an "I have to get another job because I'm not making enough money to pay my bills - I wonder if In-and-Out Burger is hiring...?" way.

I see the practical stuff as being one issue regarding "work" that I'm struggling with - I think it boils down to "I have to make enough money to live, but if all I'm doing is 'making enough money to live', is that really 'living'?".

The other issue centering around "work" has more to do with my career.

I told Cary yesterday that I basically want to make money "playing", but am starting to realize that if I want to "make money playing", I have to, paradoxically, treat my "playing" more like work.

My current Facebook status is something like "Jim Hoffmaster needs to live up to his part of his deal with The Universe (Which is basically, "If I do the best I can to make my dreams come true, you'll give me a hand when I need it")

As a bright, talented, capable 48 year old man, It's understandable that I don't want my life to be about working a shit job (And honestly, one shit job won't pay the bills here in LA. Not the ones I've had so far, anyway), then coming home and being too tired and depressed to do what I came out here to do in the first place.

I know to some people that would just feel like "doing what you have to do", but to me, it feels like bitter defeat.

Which is fair enough - But I can't then turn around and be too poor/too tired/too lazy/too afraid/too whatever, to give my all to the things I do want to do.

I said to Cary, and I'm sure I've said it in here before - I thought one giant leap (The "leap" that got me out here) was going to do the trick, but now, somewhat to my chagrin, I'm realizing I need to keep "taking giant leaps", over and over. To be doing things I'm uncomfortable with, things I'm afraid of, to be challenging myself to grow and learn all the time.

And to have faith that "The Universe will provide", that I'll provide. Cause if I'm too afraid to grab what I want, I'm definitely going to end up with a lot of shit I don't want.

And, ummm...I don't want that.

It feels daunting - it truly does - but if the alternative is me, ten years down the road, saying "do you want fries with that?"...then it would seem the choice is clear - let the giant leaping begin.

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