7:54 pm - Weds 2.22.2012
For A Good Cause

Watching the ABC comedies, half-enjoying them, half-envious because I'm not on any of them...

Anyway...

I'm actually kind of happy I'm finally going to the gastroenterologist on Friday (audition schedule permitting); I semi-joked about "magical thinking" in my last entry, but there's really nothing "magical" in not knowing what's going on, and stewing in your discomfort and fearful ignorance.

And yet that's kind of been my go-to posture for years (On a host of issues, up to and including my changing bowel habits). Go figure...

It did boost my spirits a little to see my two Shameless episodes recently - For whatever reason, it's not quite "real" to me (That I'm an actor who periodically appears on television) until I actually see myself on the episodes in question.

(Which is one of the reasons I would really like my financial situation to improve to the point where I could happily justify getting full cable.)

And I was happy to see said episodes and feel like "the work" worked, if you know what I mean; while I wouldn't say "Kermit" is some chameleon-like feat of acting, he's also clearly not-me...and I like that.

And just writing about the show is reminding me, happily, that each of my three episodes this season will be re-ran leading up to season 3 (Speaking of repeats, I'm due a check at some point from the rerun of my first-season episode some months back...).

So in the near-to-intermediate future, I'll have residual money from my two shows, and shoot fees from however many new episodes I get called in for...in addition to that big national commercial (That actually runs for a change - On the networks), and all those great guest-star parts I'll be booking on all the best shows, that will lead to that great series-regular role that puts me on Easy Street.

Yes, it will happen.

Just like that.

I'm slightly bummed that my Thursday, which I typically have mostly free (Till my evening WW meeting), is going to be "eaten up" by WW tomorrow - I'm filling in for someone at two meetings in the morning, then going back for my regular meeting in the evening.

But let's be honest; it's not like I ever have an amazing day prior to leaving for Weight Watchers (at 4:30 pm) - if I don't have an audition, all I ever do is bum around the house, watching tv and surfing the Web, till it's time to start getting ready.

And it's always a good idea for me to work extra meetings if possible, to make up for the inevitable times I'll miss some of my regular meetings because of auditions.

Speaking of auditions, after I agreed to fill in tomorrow for Deb T., I actually found myself worried that I'd get called for an audition that would conflict with this obligation.

I've been thinking about that a lot this week - Being worried that I'll get an audition that might conflict with my WW schedule is a sign that my thinking is, to put it delicately, fucked-up.

A co-star role pays something like $950. A guest-star role something like $1500. A three-day contract for an Austin and Ally something like $2200.

And a commercial? Well, it depends on how long it runs, and where, but when I book a commercial, I generally earn more from that day's work than I make for the year at Weight Watchers.

And lest we forget - Acting is kind of what I came out to LA to do.

But I get so stressed-out and anxious when I have a conflict that 1) I tend to not want to take other people's shifts, for fear I'll then get a call for an audition during that time, and 2) Once I do accept a shift, I then live in fear that I will get a call for an audition.

And it's gotten me thinking - I am so uncomfortable with just how bad I feel when I feel bad (stressed or anxious or frustrated) that I have lived my life to avoid those situations as much as possible.

To my (extreme) detriment.

I don't know the answer to this stuff, unless it's just to start making myself deal with things, deal with feeling afraid or stressed or anxious, so I can figure out that I always manage to get past those feelings and work things out.

In the case of filling in on WW shifts, it's just crazy to not take shifts when I can always use the money (And the goodwill), and now that I'm full-time, the hours, because I might possibly get called about an audition.

But there has been one bit of progress on this front - Early on, I actually use to "book out" (To tell my people I was not available for auditions) when subbing for someone at WW.

How crazy is that?

I think the general boost I need to give myself is to trust that I can "work things out", and maybe even more than that, that I can deal with feeling a little stressed and anxious on occasion.

Particularly if it's "for a good cause".

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