10:28 pm - Sat 6.18.2011
When Good Things Happen To Good People...Who Aren't Me

I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable about my last entry...which as I've said before, suggests to me that I'm probably "on the right track".

So, instead of deleting it - which I'm very tempted to do - I'm going to instead just keep moving...

I have been feeling terrifically lonely and anxious these days, afraid about my finances, my career, and my very life.

I know logically, from past experience, that "this too shall pass"...but emotionally, I can't feel it.

That being the case, when I received news of happy developments in the lives of two people I know, instead of being completely, unreservedly happy for those two people - who are both very deserving of their good fortune - I struggled to...I don't know, to not feel like their good fortune meant that I'd somehow lost something.

And it troubles me, that I have to battle for a normal, appropriate response to hearing that good things have happened to good people.

Honestly, it more than "troubles" me - I struggle not to hate myself for it. I don't want my first response to other people's good news to be, in effect, "Poor me...!"

But I think that's where I should, not just "cut myself some slack", but give myself a lot of credit - You can't really control what your gut emotional responses to things are...but you can realize those "gut emotional responses" are "out of whack" and give yourself the appropriate talking-to.

And in these two cases, that's what I did.

I like one of the two people in question, and love the other one (At least to the extent that I understand "Love"). Both good people, both people who have suffered, in their way, but who have persevered, and are now enjoying the success and love they deserve.

And I feel alone, and lonely, and stuck, and afraid that things not only may never get better, but are in imminent danger of getting worse.

But however I feel, I don't "lose anything" by their good fortune. I feel bad in my own situation, but just because other people have moved ahead in their lives, and have made progress, that doesn't mean I've lost ground.

On the contrary, if I give it some thought, instead of just feeling sad that I'm not currently enjoying the same happiness they are, I can take comfort from the lessons their situations offer - that things can change for the better, that good things do happen to good people (And, massive flaws notwithstanding, I'm basically a good person), and that you have to "put yourself out there" if you want good things to come your way.

Instead of looking at them and seeing what I don't have, I should look at them and see what's possible, see the kind of things that could be there for me as well, if I dare to "put myself out there", if I work on loving myself more, and if I trust that, when I'm ready for it, good things will come my way soon enough.

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