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12:30 am - 05.01.2010
Shades Of Gray

Shades Of Gray

There's a ritual I have at the beginning of each month: I take a fine-point Sharpie ® and mark my wall calendar with everything I know I have coming up in the month.

Which basically means writing down my work schedule and my therapy sessions (Group on Mondays, Individual sessions on Saturdays).

It's kind of depressing.

I don't want to look at my "life" at the beginning of each month, and see nothing but work and head-shrinking sessions - What kind of life is that?

So I may skip next month's ritual.


Margaret's son Ray emailed me, to thank me for the flowers I sent, and to tell me his son read my last journal entry at the funeral on Tuesday.

I was surprised, and touched - I'd felt guilty I wasn't able to be there, so it was nice to find out I sort of "took part" in the memorial.

I also received a nice memento from her son David - An old post-card Margaret had sent home to her daughter Mary while away on a trip, that closed with "tell Don and Jim I said hi".

(He wanted to show me, from very early on, that Margaret was thinking of me as a "member of the family".)

Don also email, to thank me for my journal entry.

I've said it before - my only regret about ending up with the Zick family was that it didn't happen years sooner - If you want a sense of what kind of person Margaret was, you get a pretty good idea from the fact that her children have been reaching out to comfort me during their time of loss.


Haven't felt good in awhile - Have gone from the post-Castle let-down, to the news of Margaret's passing, to a bout of 24-hour flu/food poisoning - and it's been a struggle not to see everything in "shades of gray". the fact that I had two auditions last month.


I sort of feel like the Castle gig obscured the fact that things have been very slow so far this year (A year we're now a quarter of the way through) - Yes, it was exciting and fun that Castle happened, but that was something "generated" back in January.

What has my career done for me lately?

...but I've started this just late enough that I don't have the time or energy to "get into" it right now (So that's why I blow off hours and hours of time, only settling down to write in my journal as I'm about to lose consciousness - So I won't give my depressive thoughts full expression in here and go into a "spiral"...which of course, I'm going to have to address in here at some point).

I'm not happy with this entry. I'm not happy with me right now.

But I've gotta go to bed...


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