10:43 pm - Tues 2.24.2009
It's fairly easy to write in here when things are going well, and I think even easier, in a way, when things are going badly.
The reason is that my feelings typically correspond to how things are going - If I deem things to be going well, I feel good, and if not, then...not.
The challenge comes when I'm being "whipsawed by confusion", to steal a line from E. Jean Carroll.
When I don't know how I feel, or I'm actively fighting how I feel. When I don't feel capital-h "Happy" or capital S "Sad", but am traversing some strange land in-between, is when I usually start an entry with some variation of "Where do I begin...?".
Small example - I've got temporary bridgework in my mouth (My next appointment, to get the "temporary" replaced with the real thing, is a week from Monday).
I'm not happy about this development for all kinds of reasons - from "I'm mad at myself for letting this happen", to "It's torture having to get this stuff done", to "the last thing I needed was to have another thing I have to put on a credit card".
That's legitimate stuff.
But then I went on Facebook, and my friend Joe, who I used to work with at Borders, and who has his own bridgework, said (I'm paraphrasing), "Isn't it great that we live in a place where we can get this kind of thing done?"
And you know what?
I don't have to die from a tooth rotting in my mouth, or just live with gaping holes where teeth used to be.
And while I'm not finding these trips to the dentist to be a day at the beach, I can only imagine how much more unpleasant they were 100 years ago.
And I have insurance - So while I'm not happy about the bill, it could be so much worse (50% worse, to be precise).
It doesn't exactly mean I'm happy, doesn't exactly mean I'd rather not have to deal with this...but it does add a healthy dose of perspective.
It sucks that I have to deal with this...but it's great that I live in a time where I can deal with this...and not something worse.
Well, this was going to be a longer entry, but - lucky you - the Walgreen-version of NyQuil I took a short time ago (For the cold I've had for a few days now) is bringing down my curtain in a hurry...
I've been spending a lot of time lately being unhappy and afraid, but at the same time, realizing that I get help when I need it, there are people who care about me, and - right here, right now - I have food, and a roof over my head, and the possibility of bigger, better things.
(For example of the latter - I have an audition for The Mentalist on Thursday. Wish me luck - Jim needs a win like nobody's business...!)
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