8:36 PM - 09.13.16
Jim Gets High (But Not That High)

It's the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attack.

(I don't have anything profound to say on the subject, but thought I should mention it. Basically, it was shocking and horrible, I still get nervous when I hear a plane flying low overhead, and I think we really fucked up as a country in terms of how we reacted afterward.)

In the first instance, I was inadvertently given something purely medicinal (With no THC, therefore, no "high").

So that was pretty underwhelming...but also kind of funny after-the-fact (I was a little nervous about getting high, because I don't do it very often - the last time I smoked pot was a couple years ago, and I don't think I've had an edible since a hash brownie sometime in the 80s - so was prepping myself for this big "experience" that never happened).

In the second instance - on Tuesday - I did get high...but it was still kind of underwhelming.

My friend had told me to eat half if I wanted a pleasant buzz, or the whole thing if I wanted something more "intense".

And it's interesting, since I just said I was a little nervous about the whole thing, but I didn't think for a second about eating half - I popped the whole thing in my mouth as I was driving home from therapy (I might have been nervous about getting high...but at the same time, I clearly wanted to get high).

And after a time, I started feeling it...but my body seemed to get higher than my head, if you know what I mean. I felt looser and more off-balance (and the phrase "comfortably numb" comes to mind, but in a more pleasant sense than the Pink Floyd song), but I didn't really perceive myself being that effected mentally/emotionally.

About the only thing that suggested I was high, because it's happened before, was that I was doing a lot of pondering on the nature of "getting high" (For example: Thinking how the physical sensations involved were "open to interpretation" - "I feel off-balance - is that a pleasant sensation or not? And what makes the difference between perceiving the sensations as pleasant or unpleasant?". Or wondering if doing it during a block of time where I had nothing to do, by myself, was a mistake - "Is context part of what makes getting high fun? Trying to do normal stuff when you don't feel normal? Would I perceive myself as being more 'high' if I were trying to hold a conversation with someone, instead of just talking/thinking to myself? Did I make it a mostly physical, bodily experience because I made sure I didn't have to try and think/behave 'normally'?").

In short, it was...pleasant, but it didn't really rock my world.

(And I'd like something to be so much fun it "rocks my world" - Cause it's been awhile...).

But on Friday, my Shameless friend said she'd bring me something on Monday (Episode 8 is a rare two-day shoot) that would definitely do the trick - An eclair where every element (The icing, the... doughnut part, and the filling, is pot-infused).

So we'll see what happens.

Mon 9/12/16 (10:00 pm)

Going into today's Shameless shoot, there were a lot of things I was hoping would happen beyond the shoot, things I was looking forward to - getting my edible treat, getting out early enough to do a commercial audition at 4:30, then ending the day with Zumba class - but to my disappointment, none of the "beyond the shoot" things happened.

All I got...was the shoot. And that's typically enough.

But today?

It was a little disappointing.

Not getting the edible (The baking schedule was off-track, so my eclair wasn't ready) wasn't that big a deal - It's free, so "beggars can't be choosers". And it's not like I have a deadline I have to meet for getting high.

And while it was disappointing to miss Zumba (Particularly since it was Thea's class), barring unforeseen circumstances, I'll catch it - and Thea - on Wednesday.

(Actually, I'll likely catch it tomorrow...just not with Thea.)

But missing out on the commercial audition was really frustrating and disappointing - I'm getting more commercial auditions than theatrical these days, but they still don't exactly "grow on trees" (That said, I do have another one tomorrow).

And this was another dance-related one, so it was especially disappointing to miss out on it (If you've been following along, you know I have a "thing" about wanting to book gigs where I dance - I guess since people tell me I'm good at it, I'd like it to actually get me work now and again...).

"It's a numbers game" - That's the phrase that comes up every time I talk with my friend Mike about auditions, because you can't book jobs if you're not getting auditions.

And considering the odds are crazily stacked against you as an actor, it takes a ton of auditions to book enough work to have an actual "career".

And I am definitely not getting "a ton of auditions".

So losing out on an audition is never something I want to have happen.

But anyway...

Before I move on to today's events, I feel like I need to say that, while I've written about the things that didn't happen yesterday, the thing that did happen - shooting my second day on episode #8 of the show - was pretty fun.

Getting two days of work from an episode is pretty rare, and I think has a lot to do with why I've been, on the whole, feeling a little more chipper than usual the past couple days.

And it's not just the money (Though that's okay too, don't get me wrong) - It just makes me feel more "part of things", even though I didn't really do any more in the episode than I do on most episodes.

(Still having trouble with "crafty" though, which is something I'd thought I'd "gotten past" - The whole "It's here, it's free, so I must eat as much as possible" thing, as if I was born during the fucking Depression or something.)

Haven't wanted this to pop into my head, but couldn't help it - When I got booked for this episode, I thought, "One more to tie, two to win...!".

I don't think that's a very "helpful" thought, because what if I "only" get the six episodes this season? Am I now going to be disappointed because it didn't "break the record"?

It's stupid.

Anyway...

The audition today, late this afternoon, was a lot of fun - really, when I think about it, more fun than the thing I missed out on yesterday (Which basically was a thing where they would have cut to me fist-pumping at an office-party or something, for a second) - and something I'd like to get because it would be fun to do...and they'd pay me for it, of course.

If I'd gone home right from the audition, I could have made it to Zumba (With Alfredo, who's fine, I guess, but who suffers greatly in comparison to Thea).

But the casting place (At 200 S LaBrea) is right next to a Ralphs, and I guess I needed easy, convenient access to groceries more than I needed Zumba this evening.

(I've noticed before that if I miss Monday Zumba class with Thea, it's very hard for me to motivate myself to start the Zumba week on Tuesday with Alfredo. I just don't enjoy the class as much. Where, on the other hand, when I have my Monday night class with Thea, Alfredo's Tuesday class functions as a very adequate stop-gap till I'm back with Thea on Wednesday. But all that said, I'm feeling a little guilty...I should have gone to Zumba tonight.)

Trying to think of what else I want to write about...

Therapy was interesting and unpleasant today, but I can't really explain what went on, because I don't really understand it myself.

But in other medical news...

Wasn't able to make my psychiatrist appointment this past Wednesday, and they weren't able to reschedule me till next month. So as of this writing, I am out of drugs, and have been for days, and am very frustrated I'm having to make multiple calls (To the Dr's office, and to the pharmacy) to make renewing my prescription happen (Even drew my therapist into it today, hoping a call from him to the Psychiatrist might have some extra "oomph").

But in happier news, yesterday or the day before, received approval from my insurance for an "oral appliance" for sleep apnea.

I am "cautiously optimistic".

(Wouldn't it be lovely if that ended up being "The thing that makes all the difference"...?)

Well, there's stuff I wanted to write about playing the guitar, and stuff I wanted to write about (maybe) leasing a new car (If I were a more ambitious writer, I would have written this whole entry in rhyming couplets...).

But "It'll keep"....

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