12:49 PM - 12.14.17
Happy @#!! Holidays!

This is what it's like to be me lately: Frustrated about my lack-of-concentration, and wanting to finish this entry I've been working on since Saturday, (writing a portion by hand since my laptop was in the shop for three days), I turned off the TV, turned off my phone, and closed all my tabs but this one, so I could focus on the task-at-hand.

Then my laptop just spontaneously turned off, and when I turned it back on, even though I clicked "restore", the entry was gone.

I'm beside myself with frustration, but I'm going to take it as a sign that I was meant to write a better entry than the one you are now never going to read.

Anyway...

The hand-written portion of the entry was pretty much about my laptop not working, and my angst about that, and how, after a long lull, I'd had two TV auditions last week, each disappointing in their way (One was a self-taped audition I was unhappy with for various reasons, and that seemed like a long-shot anyway. The other was a co-star bit for a kid's show where I had fun and seemed to make a good impression on the CD, that I still didn't book).

And when the power went off, I was writing about two holiday parties that, like the auditions, were each disappointing in their way.

I'm sure I've gone on before about how I don't like parties - milling about with a large group of strangers, talking about nothing in particular (If talking at all), where the only distraction is to eat, is no longer my idea of a good time, if in fact it ever was - and the first party on Friday (Thrown by my theatrical agency) was pretty much exactly that.

The only person I (kinda) knew was my agent, the spread consisted of four trays of different varieties of mac-and-cheese, some cupcakes, and pitchers of water, and I think I talked to three people in the two hours I was there.

It wasn't a total waste-of-time, I'm telling myself - It was probably worthwhile to get in front of my agent, just to remind him I'm a real guy (He's going to teach me how to ride a horse in the new year), and even if I think my career is going nowhere fast, talking to people for whom I'm a big deal reminded me that I'm in a position (With Shameless) that many actors envy.

The other holiday party was last night, the annual SAG-AFTRA thing (Which to me never really feels like a "party" - It's more like the free meal for the homeless the Comedy Store does on Thanksgiving and Xmas).

I wouldn't have gone - I'm a good 35 lbs overweight, so I don't really need a free meal at the moment, holiday-themed or otherwise. And Wednesday is a Zumba night, which unlike the dicey proposition of a party, I know I enjoy and is good for me to boot - but I've been trying to get myself to do social/holiday things that have presented themselves, even if my "default" is a strong desire not to (Because, I tell myself, nothing interesting's going to happen if I never venture outside my apartment).

The fact that my friends Josh and Michelle were going sweetened the deal - It wouldn't be me just eating amongst a couple hundred strangers, but instead, enjoying a rare opportunity to "hang out with my friends".

But Josh is sick, Michelle seemed down, and...well, I'm me at holiday-time, and it ended up, in a way, being worse than eating amongst a couple hundred strangers - I was with two people I genuinely like...and we didn't seem to have much to say to each other.

I've struggled over the past number of years with feeling I have less and less to say to anyone really, even the people I like...but I'm going to lay last night off to the fact that - in my estimation - the three of us were just tired and out-of-sorts, for various reasons (A big one, I think, being that none of us seem to be exactly jumping for joy over the state of our careers).

So two holiday-party duds, and I think that's basically going to be it for me in terms of holiday "celebrating".

Beyond buying a couple boxes of cheap cards, I haven't done anything for Xmas yet (I don't ever do much - some cards, a couple gift certificates to the kids that are sort-of in my life, and maybe a few toys for Toys for Tots - but I still have enough residual "holiday cheer", or whatever the fuck you want to call it, to feel like I should do something).

I'm wishing something would happen to make me feel better, more hopeful about things..but I think I'm gonna have to settle for distractions.

Like the nap I'm now going to try and take...

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