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11:49 AM - Fri 1/31/20

Back In Hollywood And Feeling So Blue

. (FTR, should you so desire, you can now post comments on entries, at least until my newly-paid membership lapses.)

Well, I know me well enough to have known I was gonna feel a pretty big let-down after the West Virginia trip, because with all that went on - The novelty of the experience, the emotions at play, the fun of hanging out with Jane and "The Boys", and the thrill of being at the center of things (Because I haven't been in decades) - how could I not feel a let down over returning to "real life"?

So I've been feeling depressed and lethargic.

Jane stayed in town through that week, so I did have a nice "transition" between what we'd just done and going back to...whatever this is.

But it wasn't sufficient. Because another thing nagging at me was that my work on the project was now essentially over. And that's exciting - I do want this film to become a film, and do whatever it's going to do - but it's also scary, because I've enjoyed the process, and don't think anything's likely to spring up in its place that will "fill the gap".

Then I got sick (I think - My allergies had been acting up, but then I started to have waves of chills and achiness to go along with the perpetually runny/stuffy nose), which then increased the depression and lethargy.

Haven't wanted to work or Zumba or anything, really (Though one does turn out to have "priorities" - On Weds, got my coworker to work my second meeting so I could go home early and take to my sickbed...but I then managed to summon enough energy to half-ass it through Zumba later in the evening...mostly because I haven't gone in a while and was genuinely afraid I was in danger of stopping altogether. But I'll save my "struggles with Zumba" for another entry).

When I got back to LA, I really hoped that acting, of all things, was going to "come to my rescue", giving me something that would distract me from the previously-mentioned letdown and give me something to look forward to instead.

But no.

I have had one voiceover audition since I got back. And let's not get me started on my struggle over feeling voiceover auditions are "futile", since I haven't had anyone want to buy what I'm selling in however long I've been doing them now. Told Jane I was trying to see auditions as "practice" now. But that said, I genuinely can't tell if I'm getting better or worse at them. Which is kind of a problem.

(5:35 pm)

Well, in the time between what I last wrote and now, life gave me a little "So you want to be depressed? Well, I'll GIVE you something to be depressed about...!" message...

Turns out both of the commercials I shot earlier this month are Superbowl spots (As I suspected they might be).

The Reeses Take 5 spot ("Rock") posted on YouTube a couple days ago, which a friend brought to my attention yesterday (I posted it on Facebook and have gotten loads of congratulatory responses).

It's a fun spot - I imagine the general public will get a kick out of it - but I found myself disappointed in what I saw (As, to be honest, is often the case). It "gets my face out there", but it's not really me "doing" anything.

And I've become eager, over the past number of years, to do something that makes people not just notice that I'm popping up on their TV...but that I'm popping up on their TV and, whatever's happening in the scene, I'm really fucking good (Because I don't just crave your attention - I want to move you).

Cut to today...

Found the Coke Energy spot - A spot with Jonah Hill and Martin Scorsese (And Yours Truly) - and of the three of us, guess who got cut out of said spot?

(If you guessed "Scorsese" just to make me feel good, I thank you. But you're stupid.)

I'm holding out some slight hope I might make it into an alternate edit that'll air at some point, or that something might happen on the social media side...but mostly, it feels like a "win" that's now turned to shit (Though I will be getting the "consolation prize" of the shoot fee. But to give you a sense of perspective here, that's the difference between making hundreds and making thousands - Potentially multiples of thousands).

So I'm hoping the other spot will pay out enough to ease the pain (But my last Superbowl spot aired on the day and never again, so I'm...concerned history may repeat itself).

I was so excited about booking these two spots. About the accomplishment, of course (Booking union commercials is harder and harder to do, cause they're a vanishing breed), but also, pragmatically, about the positive effect they could have on my finances (Particularly as we're looking at the final season of Shameless, and an uncertain future after that).

Now it feels like I didn't do much of anything.

I would just like an unequivocal win (Which I haven't had since booking Shameless a decade ago).

Why can't I have that?

Till next time...


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