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Thurs 3.15.2013 - 9:45 pm

It's So "Interesting" Being Me

This is one of those times I should definitely be writing more, because I'm now seriously "backed up"...

It's been interesting being me lately...

...because I am experiencing a terrifying amount of fear over my finances (As in, I think I should be able to pay this month's rent/bills, but don't know how next month is gonna happen), but thus far, I have only done one small thing about it.

(Arguably two...And neither of those things is "Book a national commercial" or "Get a better-paying 'day job'".)

...because the same day I cancelled my land line (That being the "one small thing" I've done about my finances), and was thinking how I should also cancel my cable, but really don't want to cancel my cable (because I'm terribly bored and lonely now, so how much more "terribly bored and lonely" would I be without the companionship/distraction of my "stories"?), and was feeling somewhat less than "successful", that same day Connie O. (From back in Lansing) told me, via Facebook, that I was an "inspiration" and a "risk-taker" she uses in her music class to inspire her students.

...because I finally got past just pissing and moaning about being "over goal" at WW for the longest time, busting out of my pants and feeling like shit about myself while doing nothing to change things, and started going back to meetings, and have lost weight for four-out-of-my-last-five weigh-ins - "Yay!" me, right? - but know I'm "not doing it right", and am still in the grip of an overeating habit I can barely contain, let alone eradicate (I'm considering Over-Eaters Anonymous, but haven't "pulled the trigger" yet).

...because doing what I do now constantly batters my self-esteem and sometimes makes me forget how people have enjoyed watching me perform for most of my life, and makes me think about how very little "performing pleasure" I get from the "acting" I do professionally...but on Tuesday I want to the Dresden to see "Marty and Elayne" with Josh & Michelle and their friend Matt (A friend of theirs who has also read/is currently reading this very journal), and got to get up and sing with them, and was very well-received by the crowd, and was very proud that it was happening in front of people I really wanted to be impressed with me.

,..because I have struggled for a long time with writing in here, and never feel like I'm writing often enough or good enough or funny enough or what-have-you, and sometimes don't really understand why I do it at all (It certainly never feels like an "accomplishment), but at the Dresden, Matt - like Josh before him - actually thanked me for this journal, rather movingly, and made it clear he considers this an impressive achievement...which helps me see it that way a little myself.

...because a recent bout of watching Hoarders has, jokes aside (About where I'm at on the continuum of "hoarding behaviors"), made me realize, once again, that I didn't exactly make it through get the crucible of my past unscathed.

Not even close.

...because I get to a place - like I am now with my finances - where I tell myself that I don't care about the part, I just need to "book something", doesn't matter what...and I have two auditions today, and I leave the first one and just crash miserably, over how long I've been here and how I'm still fighting for single-line parts, how nobody knows or cares about what I can do, etc. (On the other hand, the second audition - for the TNT show Perception - left me with a somewhat sunnier outlook on things).

Right now?

I'm kinda/sorta wishing it were a little less "interesting" being me...or barring that, that the reason it was so "interesting" being me is that I was now a tremendously successful actor who wasn't afraid the bottom was going to drop out any second.

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