1:40 PM - 08.25.16
Who's This "Jim Hoffmaster" Guy Anyway?

CNN guest on Donald Trump: "His message is being a loudmouthed dick."

In my opinion, if that doesn't say it all, it sure says a lot of it.

In other words, I'm not a big fan of "Cheeto Mussolini" (A nod to my friend Bruce B. for that perfect nickname).

And that ends the political portion of the show...

(I guess the answer is to say to myself, "Who gives a shit about "other people"? It feels like a problem, so I'm gonna try to make it not be a problem".)

But there really is a fucked-up, manly drive to "not be a pussy about it", whatever "it" may be. A fear of being "weak", I guess.

I probably don't come off that way, but internally?

I'm that way.

So when I get help, whenever I get help, I feel as if I've "failed" - I felt it when I joined Weight Watchers, and more recently, when I sought out pharmaceutical aid for my mental situation. I feel that way even if, clearly, the real "failure" is in letting an unhappy, unhealthy situation just go on and on because I think I should be able to "handle it" by myself.

I guess I'm really late to this party, but followed a link today suggesting Tom Waits was (at least vocally) the inspiration for Heath Ledger's "Joker" character in The Dark Knight (The link was to a Tom Waits interview from 1979, for some British talk show).

Don't know if it's true - I've never read or seen an interview where Ledger said that was the case - but after listening to a couple minutes of Tom Waits, it certainly sounded true to this actor's ears.

(And why do you care? I'm guessing you don't...but it was interesting to me, because I really liked that performance - I actually wondered why I'd never made the connection before now. But anyway...)

Still spending a lot of time wondering where I'm at emotionally, and if the meds are helping or not.

But I don't think anything's really different from the last time I wrote about it - It seems as if the Wellbutrin might be "taking the edge off", where I still feel depressed and anxious, but haven't hit myself or felt like I might "lose it" in public.

And this is where I'm hit by a certain contradiction - I'm disappointed I don't feel better than I do (If this is, indeed, the medication "working"), but at the same time, was leery of taking medication in the first place because I was afraid it would "flatten me out".

So I want to feel better...but still be "me".

Which begs the question - Who am I?

(And I'm guessing, since I haven't been able to answer that question for the past 55 years, I'm not going to "solve the puzzle" in one journal entry...)

A more specific, yet still unanswerable question, is "Who would I be if I weren't angry, anxious and afraid all the time?".

And the main reason that feels "unanswerable" is that I've never known a time where I wasn't "angry, anxious, and afraid" - I have experienced happiness, don't get me wrong, maybe even the occasional moment of joy. But I would by no means define "happy" or "joyful" as the primary way I've gotten through life.

It feels like much of how I define myself is either as those unhappy states-of-being (I am an unhappy/angry/anxious person), or in ways that directly spring from those unhappy states ("I'm a funny person...as a coping mechanism for my anger and unhappiness", or "I'm an actor...because I feel insignificant and unloved").

Without the unhappiness and upset, or really, even if the percentages were reversed (And I was happy most of the time with occasional "down" periods, and not vice-versa), it's really hard for me to imagine who "Jim Hoffmaster" would be.

So I think there's some irrational "nervousness" about altering the status quo...though let's be honest - At this stage of the game, beyond "tweaking" this or that (ex. Medication that makes me stop punching myself in the head), I think I'm basically gonna be working with the mental/emotional baggage I've got.

I don't think a shiny new me is going to be emerging from the rubble of my life at this point. I think the best I can hope for is to slightly alter the ratio of happy to unhappy times.

(Oh, one thing I think is interesting - When I do try to imagine a less angsty "me", not driven by fear and anger and upset? I usually end up being an English teacher. Make of that what you will.)

Well, there's more - there's always more these days - but I'm having a weird problem with my computer (Video is suddenly not playing), and I'm feeling the need to reboot, hoping that'll be the "fix" (Cause if it's not, I won't have any idea what to do next).

Just one more thing before I go (Under the heading of "Being grateful for the small stuff") - I was very happy yesterday when Thea, my Zumba instructor on Monday & Wednesday nights, messaged me that she was filling in for Alfredo (the instructor on Tuesdays and Fridays).

I like Thea's classes way more than Alfredo's, so that was a nice "treat". And it turned out to be an opportunity to try the Y in Hollywood -she wasn't filling in for him for the 5:00 pm class he teaches in K-town - that was cancelled - but at a 7pm class he does in Hollywood.

(Okay, now I'm really done.)

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