1:40 PM - 08.25.16
CNN guest on Donald Trump: "His message is being a loudmouthed dick."
In my opinion, if that doesn't say it all, it sure says a lot of it.
In other words, I'm not a big fan of "Cheeto Mussolini" (A nod to my friend Bruce B. for that perfect nickname).
And that ends the political portion of the show...
Something I think about all the time, concerning my physical/mental health - It can be hard to know if I have a real problem, or if I'm being a "pussy", because either I don't know how other people feel, because it's something I'm embarrassed to talk about with other people ("Do other people my age feel this way/have these symptoms? Is it normal? Or is it just me?"), or else it's something everyone complains about (ex. being "tired" and/or "stressed"), and I feel like I shouldn't be wilting under what are, apparently, "normal" circumstances.
(I guess the answer is to say to myself, "Who gives a shit about "other people"? It feels like a problem, so I'm gonna try to make it not be a problem".)
But there really is a fucked-up, manly drive to "not be a pussy about it", whatever "it" may be. A fear of being "weak", I guess.
I probably don't come off that way, but internally?
I'm that way.
So when I get help, whenever I get help, I feel as if I've "failed" - I felt it when I joined Weight Watchers, and more recently, when I sought out pharmaceutical aid for my mental situation. I feel that way even if, clearly, the real "failure" is in letting an unhappy, unhealthy situation just go on and on because I think I should be able to "handle it" by myself.
Sat 8/27/16 (8:15 pm)
I guess I'm really late to this party, but followed a link today suggesting Tom Waits was (at least vocally) the inspiration for Heath Ledger's "Joker" character in The Dark Knight (The link was to a Tom Waits interview from 1979, for some British talk show).
Don't know if it's true - I've never read or seen an interview where Ledger said that was the case - but after listening to a couple minutes of Tom Waits, it certainly sounded true to this actor's ears.
(And why do you care? I'm guessing you don't...but it was interesting to me, because I really liked that performance - I actually wondered why I'd never made the connection before now. But anyway...)
Still spending a lot of time wondering where I'm at emotionally, and if the meds are helping or not.
But I don't think anything's really different from the last time I wrote about it - It seems as if the Wellbutrin might be "taking the edge off", where I still feel depressed and anxious, but haven't hit myself or felt like I might "lose it" in public.
And this is where I'm hit by a certain contradiction - I'm disappointed I don't feel better than I do (If this is, indeed, the medication "working"), but at the same time, was leery of taking medication in the first place because I was afraid it would "flatten me out".
So I want to feel better...but still be "me".
Which begs the question - Who am I?
(And I'm guessing, since I haven't been able to answer that question for the past 55 years, I'm not going to "solve the puzzle" in one journal entry...)
A more specific, yet still unanswerable question, is "Who would I be if I weren't angry, anxious and afraid all the time?".
And the main reason that feels "unanswerable" is that I've never known a time where I wasn't "angry, anxious, and afraid" - I have experienced happiness, don't get me wrong, maybe even the occasional moment of joy. But I would by no means define "happy" or "joyful" as the primary way I've gotten through life.
It feels like much of how I define myself is either as those unhappy states-of-being (I am an unhappy/angry/anxious person), or in ways that directly spring from those unhappy states ("I'm a funny person...as a coping mechanism for my anger and unhappiness", or "I'm an actor...because I feel insignificant and unloved").
Without the unhappiness and upset, or really, even if the percentages were reversed (And I was happy most of the time with occasional "down" periods, and not vice-versa), it's really hard for me to imagine who "Jim Hoffmaster" would be.
So I think there's some irrational "nervousness" about altering the status quo...though let's be honest - At this stage of the game, beyond "tweaking" this or that (ex. Medication that makes me stop punching myself in the head), I think I'm basically gonna be working with the mental/emotional baggage I've got.
I don't think a shiny new me is going to be emerging from the rubble of my life at this point. I think the best I can hope for is to slightly alter the ratio of happy to unhappy times.
(Oh, one thing I think is interesting - When I do try to imagine a less angsty "me", not driven by fear and anger and upset? I usually end up being an English teacher. Make of that what you will.)
Well, there's more - there's always more these days - but I'm having a weird problem with my computer (Video is suddenly not playing), and I'm feeling the need to reboot, hoping that'll be the "fix" (Cause if it's not, I won't have any idea what to do next).
Just one more thing before I go (Under the heading of "Being grateful for the small stuff") - I was very happy yesterday when Thea, my Zumba instructor on Monday & Wednesday nights, messaged me that she was filling in for Alfredo (the instructor on Tuesdays and Fridays).
I like Thea's classes way more than Alfredo's, so that was a nice "treat". And it turned out to be an opportunity to try the Y in Hollywood -she wasn't filling in for him for the 5:00 pm class he teaches in K-town - that was cancelled - but at a 7pm class he does in Hollywood.
(Okay, now I'm really done.)
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