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9:55 pm - Sat 01.16.2010
Haiti hit by an earthquake, Jay Leno getting \"The Tonight Show\" back....but don't worry - I\"ll be all right.

Haiti has had a huge national disaster, and Jay Leno is getting The Tonight Show back, but don't worry - I'll be all right.

(A ton of shit is "slipping by me" these days, and it's driving me crazy - How can I feel compelled to write in here and to avoid writing in here at the same time? - but I want to sidestep the trap of making this entire entry about my failings as a diarist, cause then even more stuff will "slip by me" in the meantime. So, moving on...)

Thinking about Haiti...and about how little I'm thinking about Haiti - I mean, it's certainly registered on my consciousness, because I am conscious and it is in the news. But I can't honestly say it's effected me very much on an emotional level.

Which brings me to an uncomfortable realization - I have this weird "America First" thing when it comes to epic tragedies; I donated to the Red Cross after 9/11, and again after Katrina (And, far as I can remember, I really didn't have the money to spare), but have never donated a dime to overseas disaster relief.

So apparently, I feel sorry for Americans in distress, but the rest of the world can go suck an egg.

Though for Xmas this year, in lieu of presents (for Mark&Jane and Cary&Kay), I made a couple of small donations to The Smile Train...so I guess I do have a soft spot in my heart for the poor, disfigured children of the world.

(One thing, regarding Haiti - Someone on Facebook wrote that they were proud of the US response to the tragedy; when I read that, I actually kind of agreed, though I couldn't help thinking, "But how much more could we be doing if our resources weren't being stretched to the breaking point by our misadventures in Iraq and Afghanistan...?")

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I continue to follow the Jay Leno - Conan O'Brien - Tonight Show debacle with great interest.

When two stories are dominating the news like this - one very important and tragic, the other not so much - there's always a lot of hand-wringing over the fact that the story that really doesn't matter in the larger scheme of things is getting a lot of coverage.

And on online message boards devoted to the "story that doesn't really matter", there will always be someone who wants to scold people for spending time reading/debating about the story in question "When serious things are going on in the world".

My "Inner Scold" wants to do that to me, as a matter of fact.

I've been following the story as closely as I have because I'm genuinely interested, but today it struck me that part of the reason the story is so much fun to follow is specifically that "it doesn't really matter".

(The closest way the story "matters" to me is that, as an actor, it's better for me if NBC's 10 pm hour is scripted programming, and not a lame talk-show. And were I to ever be well-known enough to guest on The Tonight Show, I would have preferred it be Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show. But anyway...)

It's apparently pretty close to a done deal - Leno is getting The Tonight Show back, and Conan is moving on to (Hopefully) greener pastures - and while it's really not a tragedy, it does bother me, because Conan is the funnier, more interesting performer and (IMO) the better man, and I wish I lived in a world where that always meant winning the big prize.

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One reason I've been avoiding writing in here is that I've been really struggling emotionally...which is the reason I should be writing in here more.

what the hell's a journal for, after all?

When you're stressing over money, like I've been lately, it's hard-bordering-on-impossible to not let that dominate your life and your thoughts.

And as I told Bette - my therapist - today, what makes things even worse is that money worries tend to open up a Pandora's Box of fear and anxiety; it's a surprisingly short distance from me worrying about paying the rent next month, to worrying about being a lonely, impoverished old man, dying alone and unloved in the street, because my dream of acting success never quite panned out.

But I did pay my bills yesterday, and I'm going to have enough to pay February's rent.

So I'm not an old homeless man dying alone and unloved in the street just yet.

It alarms me, that I can get myself into the stressed-out emotional tizzy I've been in lately when I know "financial relief" is coming - It makes me wonder what the hell would be going on in my head if I didn't have two commercials running on tv right now?

Something I have to keep working on is having faith in myself and my resources.

Things rarely end up being as bad as I fear. And when things have gone badly, I've managed to get by, one way or the other.

In short, I'm probably going to be okay.

 

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