11:10 am - Mon 9.23.2013
It's Not Me - It's YOU

Can't figure out how to get started...

I've had a tough time this past week.

I worked five extra shifts at WW, filling in for other people (Mostly due to the Jewish holidays).

It was tiring (have I mentioned lately how I don't sleep?). And even though I don't have much issue with the work itself - beyond the fact that I can't pay all my bills with it - when I'm there too much, I just get really depressed (It's not like I'm "busting rocks", mind you - It's just not where I want to be).

I joked that, since I worry about taking "fills" at WW, afraid I'll immediately get called for an audition and have to "find a fill for my fill", I'd accepted enough fills this week to become famous, with all the great auditions that would now be pouring in.

That didn't happen.

I did have the one audition, that I cried about to anyone who would listen, for a SAG "Ultra Low Budget" film (Why the crying, you ask? Because the pay for this kind of thing is $100 a day; in comparison, after taxes and commissions, I took home just under $1000 for 2 Broke Girls).

The audition was on Thursday afternoon, in between two WW meetings in the morning, and my regular one in the early evening.

It was a three-page scene as a blind, drunken clown.

It could have been better written, but still, it was a fun part (How is "Blind, Drunken Clown" not going to be a fun part?), and there was more for me to play than anything I've done so far this year (Which was another source of angst - "Why can't I get auditions for things like this with actual paydays involved...?").

All the extra WW work this week left me a little anxious about having time to just get the lines down (I used to memorize roles in entire plays, and now, after years of auditioning for one or two-line parts, I get a little nervous when I have to learn three or four pages of dialogue), but it went very well in the room; I threw myself into it, and they were clearly amused.

It struck me some time later that, unlike most auditions, this one had such minimal stakes that I didn't really care whether I booked it or not (At this point, I'm thinking I probably didn't); it was basically enough that I got to do it in the room, and amuse the five or six people who were there.

It hasn't happened for me every single time, but on the whole, I have pretty good luck when I get to audition with a good scene, whether it means I actually book the part, or I do well enough with it to get back into the office till I do book something.

That's really what I'm hungry for right now - Scenes I can "grab hold of", that I can have fun with (Comedy or Drama) and communicate that sense of fun while I'm in the room.

That's hard to do with a non-descript line or two - Then it just feels like a "face lottery" (Like anyone could do the part, but I won out because they liked the dark circles under my eyes, or the fact that I'm tall, or bald, or whatever).

I've struggled a lot lately with the fear that "this is it", that I'm going to spend the rest of my time as an actor struggling to book these little co-star things, that aren't creatively satisfying and don't pay the bills.

My belief in what I can do, in what I have to offer, is constantly assaulted out here, not just by rejection - not even primarily by rejection - but by disinterest; it doesn't feel like anyone knows or cares what I can do.

But given the right role(s), I still think it's possible that people will find out what I can do, and enough people will care that I can have an actual career for however-long-I-have-left here.

I have to believe that.

Cause what's the alternative?

There is no relationship.

In the time since we first met, Janet has been away - either on business or visiting family out-of-state - more than she's been here in town.

That might have been okay. I would have been game for talking on the phone, or emailing - I like talking, after all - but she was very slow to respond to calls or emails, if she responded at all (She claimed that's just SOP on her part...but to me, it seems like a potential new relationship might merit at least some adjustment to one's "SOP"), so each trip essentially halted any "forward momentum", such as it was.

That's not the whole story - frankly, I think it's more about two neurotic people who talked themselves out of doing a scary new thing, who were more comfortable sticking with their routines than with taking a risk (Though as I said before, I think she's happier with her "routines" than I am with mine, so I was a little more invested in "taking a risk" than she was, even as risk-averse as I am).

And even that's not "The Whole Story" - her borderline-unhealthy obsession with her dog would be a chapter all by itself - but let's just say that when she emailed me when she got back from her latest trip, and basically said "the time didn't seem right to embark on a romantic relationship" (Uh...ok), let's just say I wasn't entirely flabbergasted - Whatever initial "spark" there was had been slowly "dying on the vine" for weeks, due to fear or insufficient interest or over-sharing or I-don't-know-what-the-fuck.

So not surprised. But still disappointed, kind of hurt, kind of mad.

And more than anything, kind of resigned - It's really looking like I'm just meant to be alone for the remainder of this trip, so I might as well "make the best of it".

(You know, this would be a great time for the distraction of a bunch of great auditions and bookings...)

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