3:39 pm - Weds 10/3/07
The Fat Old Man In The Mirror

Sun 9/30/07 (4:12 p.m.)

It�s the last day of September, which is making me feel like the year�s coming to an end, even though I know we actually have three months to go.

(Career-wise, it�s three months, but those three months contain Thanksgiving and Xmas and Hanukkah, meaning things slow to a stop long before 2007's officially concluded..)

�Things Moving Slowly� is a subject much on my mind of late...

A big source of free-floating anxiety lately is how slowly auditions are coming; I had four auditions this month (two commercial, two theatrical), and that was a tsunami compared to August, with just two (both commercial).

(These are the numbers I get off having �a great look�, and doing a ga-zillion workshops...?)

The good side of those numbers is that, in just six auditions, I got two callbacks and booked Monk; again, it seems clear that, given the opportunity, I will book.

But I need more opportunity. And there�s where the �free-floating� part of my anxiety really begins�as you age, there are just fewer available roles out there (I know�I have it better than women my age, but it�s still a fact that there are less roles out there for old people in general). So if I�m getting a couple of auditions a month now, what are things going to look like when I�m in my fifties?

Sixties?

Seventies?

(Beyond that, I�ll probably be dead, so at that point, I�ll be wanting to slow down anyway.)

It�s something I�m profoundly concerned about (As you would be, if you were my age and in my financial position. Not to mention that I really want to be a professional actor, and not working at ArcLight�or some similarly dead-end crap job--when I�m 65).

So what �happy thoughts� am I using to combat this �free floating anxiety�...?

Well, there�s that �I don�t need a lot of auditions to book gigs� thing I said earlier. And the possibility of booking a series regular on some long-running show (Or becoming a go-to �weird character guy� in movies), which is a long shot, but not at all impossible.

And I�ve thought that when I become more �established�, I�ll get a higher percentage of auditions for the roles that are available in my �category�. And I�m a character guy, I have that much-talked-about �great look� (Still not exactly sure what that means, but everyone tells me that), and I have a fair amount of talent, which means�I hope�that there�s always going to be work for me.

I just want there to be enough work for me to make a respectable living...

Between untreated sleep apnea (layered-over with other, as-yet-undiagnosed �sleep issues�), carrying around a good 60 or 70 lbs of useless blubber, chronic low-level depression, and the general �ravages of time�, I have just about zero get-up-and-go.

But beyond not having energy, and not wanting to do things, I�m concerned over what I�m having difficulty with when I try to do things.

Twice recently, I�ve hurt myself performing activities that, while not things I do every day, are not terribly strenuous activities either (While bowling with Kevin I hurt my left heel, which is still flaring up, weeks after the fact; when I helped out with painting the ACG space three weeks ago, I did something to my right knee that, again, is still bothering me, particularly on the bike rides to work).

I can barely work myself up to a trot, if I�m crossing the street when the light changes.

The forty lb soda boxes at work (When I do stock) put my back at risk, no matter how I try to use proper lifting technique.

I don�t know how I�m �supposed� to feel physically at this point in my life, but this just doesn�t seem right.

I don�t like this fat, slow, weakling that I�ve become.

previous - next