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3:39 pm - Weds 10/3/07
The Fat Old Man In The Mirror

The Fat Old Man In The Mirror

Sun 9/30/07 (4:12 p.m.)

It’s the last day of September, which is making me feel like the year’s coming to an end, even though I know we actually have three months to go.

(Career-wise, it’s three months, but those three months contain Thanksgiving and Xmas and Hanukkah, meaning things slow to a stop long before 2007's officially concluded..)

“Things Moving Slowly” is a subject much on my mind of late...

A big source of free-floating anxiety lately is how slowly auditions are coming; I had four auditions this month (two commercial, two theatrical), and that was a tsunami compared to August, with just two (both commercial).

(These are the numbers I get off having “a great look”, and doing a ga-zillion workshops...?)

The good side of those numbers is that, in just six auditions, I got two callbacks and booked Monk; again, it seems clear that, given the opportunity, I will book.

But I need more opportunity. And there’s where the “free-floating” part of my anxiety really begins–as you age, there are just fewer available roles out there (I know–I have it better than women my age, but it’s still a fact that there are less roles out there for old people in general). So if I’m getting a couple of auditions a month now, what are things going to look like when I’m in my fifties?

Sixties?

Seventies?

(Beyond that, I’ll probably be dead, so at that point, I’ll be wanting to slow down anyway.)

It’s something I’m profoundly concerned about (As you would be, if you were my age and in my financial position. Not to mention that I really want to be a professional actor, and not working at ArcLight–or some similarly dead-end crap job--when I’m 65).

So what “happy thoughts” am I using to combat this “free floating anxiety”...?

Well, there’s that “I don’t need a lot of auditions to book gigs” thing I said earlier. And the possibility of booking a series regular on some long-running show (Or becoming a go-to “weird character guy” in movies), which is a long shot, but not at all impossible.

And I’ve thought that when I become more “established”, I’ll get a higher percentage of auditions for the roles that are available in my “category”. And I’m a character guy, I have that much-talked-about “great look” (Still not exactly sure what that means, but everyone tells me that), and I have a fair amount of talent, which means–I hope–that there’s always going to be work for me.

I just want there to be enough work for me to make a respectable living...

_________________________

The other “slowdown” that concerns me is physical.

Between untreated sleep apnea (layered-over with other, as-yet-undiagnosed “sleep issues”), carrying around a good 60 or 70 lbs of useless blubber, chronic low-level depression, and the general “ravages of time”, I have just about zero get-up-and-go.

But beyond not having energy, and not wanting to do things, I’m concerned over what I’m having difficulty with when I try to do things.

Twice recently, I’ve hurt myself performing activities that, while not things I do every day, are not terribly strenuous activities either (While bowling with Kevin I hurt my left heel, which is still flaring up, weeks after the fact; when I helped out with painting the ACG space three weeks ago, I did something to my right knee that, again, is still bothering me, particularly on the bike rides to work).

I can barely work myself up to a trot, if I’m crossing the street when the light changes.

The forty lb soda boxes at work (When I do stock) put my back at risk, no matter how I try to use proper lifting technique.

I don’t know how I’m “supposed” to feel physically at this point in my life, but this just doesn’t seem right.

I don’t like this fat, slow, weakling that I’ve become.


 

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