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4:14 pm - Sun 5.06.2012
Mom's "Dirty Little Secret"

Mom's "Dirty Little Secret"

Even after a lifetime of journal writing, it's often hard for me to write about a thing, and not write around a thing.


For awhile, I've contemplated writing a journal entry titled "What It's Like To Be Me". But when I've tried to settle in and actually write it, I've been too tired and distracted to get anywhere...which, in a nutshell, is "what it's like to be me".

My brother Tony and me have decided to refer to each other as "Brothers" instead of "Half-Brothers", because we agree that saying "half-brother" feels
awkward (As I told Tony, it kind of begs-the-question, "Half-brother...and half what?"

I've had moments of feeling emotionally "awkward" about this big development, thinking, "Okay, I have a brother. That's pretty cool - now what?".

It's alternately felt thrillingly like "everything has changed", and disappointingly like "nothing's really changed".

And, interestingly enough, both those statements are true. Daily life proceeds much as it did before...but not really. Cause I'm not quite the same guy I was.

I've wondered what one "does" once the novelty of something like this wears off.

How is one supposed to behave on a regular basis, what rights and responsibilities go along with the role of "Brother"?

What do I do with this normal human relationship (that I've never really had) now that I have it?

In a nutshell, I know I'm seriously over-thinking this; I think Tony had the right idea the other day when, in response to this sort of mental fluttering-about on my part, he basically said that he was excited about having a brother, that we seemed to have a lot in common, and that he had a handful of friends he talked to regularly, and he certainly had room for one more.

We're related, and we happen to actually like each other, which is good.

I don't think you "decide" what something like this is - You just "reach out" to the other person, and it "becomes" whatever it's going to become.


I always feel a great deal of angst when contemplating getting out of LA for any period of time, fearing the loss of money, and more to the point, fearing missing out on potential auditions/bookings.

But that said, I think it's important that I get to West Virginia in the near-to-intermediate future; I want to meet Tony and his family, and if she's up for it, I want to connect with my mother (Not to suggest she's at death's-door or anything - She takes high blood-pressure meds, but beyond that, is apparently healthy - but the reality is, she's a heavy-set woman in her 70's, and we don't have forever here).

I've been feeling somewhat guilty for "outing" her in this situation; the first time we communicated, she made it clear she wanted the past - as represented by Yours Truly - to stay in the past.

Finding out Tony and Craig (her partner of the past twenty years) didn't know about me was oddly comforting; it made that "Second Rejection" I felt (When she said she didn't want any further contact beyond our exchange of letters) not a comment on me - which of course, it never was - but instead, just a reflection of how she felt about her early life and how she wished to deal with it in general (By basically trying to forget about it, and not deal with it.).

What I've gotten from Tony - which is what he got, in turn, from his wife Lori (She's talked to our mother at length about the situation) - is she's been ashamed of what happened, thinking people would "think less of her" if they knew about her past.

When Tony told me this, we practically said in unison, "It's been fifty years...!".

And that sentiment - that whatever happened happened a very long time ago - is what's started to make me think what I've done will probably be a good thing for my mother.

I don't know her, clearly, and thus can't know what's going on in her head, but I have to imagine carrying around a "deep dark secret" for 50 years has to be taxing on some level.

I know if I could tell someone "the things I don't tell anyone" and have them basically think no less of me, to tell me "It's okay...well, I would like that.

Sun 5/6/12 (10:19 am)

Getting ready for the WW annual "Celebrations" event...

It's a "50's" theme, which I'm not nuts about, but I didn't want to be a stick-in-the-mud, so I'm wearing a pompadour wig, my leather jacket, some shades, jeans and a t-shirt, and "calling it good"...though I think I look stupid.

I'm having trouble with Weight Watchers these days, on both a personal and professional front...but that's for another entry, cause I only have a few minutes here.

Feel very tired, so tired it's got me thinking I should go to my Doctor, and ask for something I've never asked for before - a prescription for sleeping pills.

My "sleep situation" has changed in recent years - Now, instead of just not getting the deepest sleep, I can't stay asleep period (I'm typically awake again, most nights, within an hour of going to bed, and wake up a number of times through the night).

I can't even nap anymore. I used to set my alarm for an hour's nap, and be out like a light, but now, if I try to nap for an hour, I'm up again, typically within a half-hour's time or less.

It really, really sucks.

And with that, we're back to "What it's Like To Be Me", which seems like a good time to close, and head to the big "celebration" (Actually, I'm driving to Jeri's house - she's one of the "Leaders" I work with - and she's driving us from there).


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